Saturday, May 25, 2013

The Everyday Addict in Recovery

There are times in my life where I have to look deep within myself to figure out what exactly is going on with me. On the surface, I should be in a good place. I have significant clean time. I have a family, a place to live. I have food, friends, and a I enjoy my job. However, there are days or weeks when my mind starts spinning in an unhealthy direction. My problems seem magnified to the point I can see nothing else. Every day living becomes a challenge. I am living in a state of addictive thinking, I just do not have drugs in my system to fuel catastrophic results. 

I read this today "How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive compulsive or self centered routines, endless routines that lead nowhere but to physical mental spiritual and emotional decay."THIS is me right now. The things that started this process are real issues that I am dealing with on a daily basis. My reaction to them is the real problem. I am obsessing over outcomes, wanting this to go MY way. I am complete powerless over people, places, and things. What I need to focus on is a solution. 

This example may be oversimplified but if my house is dirty, I should just clean it. However, I can spend a whole afternoon musing about how unappreciated I am and how everyone else should act. When I lose track of the solution, I am the victim which gives me more room to wallow in self pity. 

Today I am going to focus on the solution. It is a nice day outside. I can focus on a dirty house or focus on being happy. I can do what I need to do to move forward. I may not change the world but I can change my perspective. There isn't any blood crusted to my jeans today. I am not cramming a needle in my leg after searching for a vein for two hours then giving up. I am not dead. I am not in prison. I am not ashamed to admit I am human.