Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Track marks and a sunny day

Some days it feels like the only thing I have in my favor is the fact that I am clean. It is hot outside. Do I hide my track marks? Do I explain to a person that in a split second I can stop giving a fuck? Do I ignore the fact that I am slightly bitter that I can't have a sip of wine or a drink of beer at a baseball game. What about the fact that I have all these damn raw emotions. i feel like breaking something or acting out or screaming. When when when will I be released from the burden of addictive thinking and compulsive actions?

I woke up this morning. I was in a bed. This is a good start to any morning. I had food to eat. Another goal accomplished. I was able to use the bathroom inside. Yes. I texted with a friend and got out some resentments. I felt my feelings. Most of all, I was not digging in my neck, hands, or feet for a place to inject my daily emotions. I am clean- a good start to the day.

There are two parts to recovery. There is stopping the use of drugs- a miracle. Then there is living life without the use of drugs. Sometimes I struggle but if I don't do the first, I can deal with the second.

13 comments:

  1. This post really got me thinking. I suffer in hot weather for the most part. I'm usually wearing a tee-shirt with jeans, sometimes I'll wear a tank top, but my legs are always covered. If I wear a skirt or shorts, you can bet I'll have on long socks or tights. The skin on my legs hasn't felt direct sun for more than 15 years. I wore long sleeves, too, until about 10 years ago when I started getting tattoos, which have helped me to feel more comfortable in my scarred skin. My legs are a blank canvas tattoo-wise. However, they are highly decorated with years of scars from shooting dope in my legs & a variety of cuts & burns I received as a result of a violent crime perpetrated against me. I thought the external scars would fade over time, but they have remained dark & bitter as my soul once was. It kills me that my vanity causes me to cover myself up regardless of the weather. How do you deal with people's reactions? DO people remark? I would welcome any advice you (or your readers) would care to share to me on how to get over myself!

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    1. Ppl dont make comments. I feel self conscious at times but I've spent too much time caring what other ppl think of me I got clean to enjoy my life and that is what I'm going to do

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    2. If it helps... as a non-user, I would probably not notice marks on your legs, and if I did, I would probably not know what it was from. I would just assume age, bad genes, varicose veins.

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  2. Thank you Tracey. I sincerely appreciate your words -- Puts things into perspective for me (new reader)

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  3. Ive been clean 12 days now off of heroin. Your post is how i always feel. Like im going insane
    but even though im in the early stages of recovery i can tell the difference in my moods behavior and im feeling again. I care about my life finally. Im embarrassed of the marks on my arm an hopefully can have them covered up soon. Im not healed completely but with the faith i have in god the love for my son and a great guy who loves me ill do it this time without relapsing. Thanks for sharing your story.

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    1. I love this. This is the exact reason I have been keeping this blog up for all these years. I know someone is out there feeling alone. They read the blog and it helps them in some way

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  4. This was definitely what I needed to read at the moment. I know exactly how raw emotions can get after not using for a while. Please keep writing. Your words are comforting.

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  5. I'm on day one, my hands look horrible. I wear long sleeves to cover up my hands with the sleeve ends. I've been ping ponging back and forth using not using but I got honest last night and plan to stick to it. I want my life back. I want to live. I'm 34 years old and my Dad and Mom took me back in thank God. If not I am sure they would get that dreaded phone call soon that I was gone. I woke up in a bed this morning. My Dad bought me coffee and cereal. Food something I never cared about. I have a boyfriend that does not use and I am on the verge of loosing him too. I have two beautiful children that live with their father. Thank goodness.. I am just living for today and praying that I make it to tomorrow.

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    1. Sounds like you have a few positive things going for you

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  6. I have ping ponged back and forth. But last night I got honest. I moved back in with my parents. Not what I wanted but I woke up in a warm bed. Have food to eat and I'm alive. I have horrible marks on my hands from misses hopefully they'll go away soon and one nasty mark in the pit of my arm. I wear long sleeves to cover it all. I'm on the verge of losing a great man that doesn't use..I'm struggling

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  7. I have been struggling with cocaine and i am trying my hardest not to do it. ..but long story short i am clean from dope for about 4 years now....but now i started sniffing pills and came very close to relapsing on heroin.....so i said ok im all done with pills ...so as i was going through withdrawals i decided that i can would do some coke....dont know why but i decided to boot it.....and i have been doing it off and on now for a couple months....im also with a wonderful girl who loves me....but im scared that if she finds out im using again she will just want to leave me....i have been pretty much honest with her....i mean ill hide shit but i always end up telling her. ...but now i have wicked bad track marks and i was wondering what is the best make up or concealer i should use any replies would be greatly appreciated

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    1. There is some concealer that works. I would try eucerin to stop the bruising and drink water. Of course, stopping would also help

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