Thursday, May 16, 2013

Put down the spoon, pick up the fork

Today's post is about one of my least favorite subjects- my weight. When I finally agreed to be transferred into the treatment section of the San Francisco Jail in February of 1998, I was 124 pounds. This really is not a healthy weight for me. I was completely flat chested and you could see all of my ribs. I went into the jail at 143 pounds but I was kicking so hard, I started wasting away to the point that I was being monitored by jail health. They thought I was sero converting to HIV positive. I was put on nutritional support drinks and had to see the nurse frequently. I remember sitting clear minded pondering my fate. I decided even if I was HIV positive, I was going to stay clean. I had made up my mind.

I had to wait for the window to pass for my tests but miraculously, I was not HIV positive. I did pick up another addiction though- compulsive over eating. When you have been in the streets, the worst thing you can be in jail is thin. Thin to inmates means unhealthy or poor. The same holds true in co-Ed treatment which is where I was headed May 12 1998. I had left jail for a court ordered rehab. In the facility, I was stuffed with a carbohydrate laden diet. After essential starving for a few years, eating became a hobby of sorts. The bigger I got, the more male attention I got. Big= healthy until it doesn't. 

Fast forward a few years. I began to realize that food became one of my only coping mechanisms. Food was my friend and lover. I had never learned how to eat healthy or portion control. So add my weight to the list of problems I have to face. 

Fifteen years and three kids later, I would say my weight is my constant struggle. I've lost 51 pounds since delivering my son in 2011 but I have more to go. I see my weight like I see my recovery, I deal with some element of it on a daily basis. I am not longer fixing my feelings with food. The weight is coming off but I want instant gratification! Recovery is a process. I am evolving into a different self. When I look at my you tube videos, I hate the way I look. However, recovery has taught me that despite my fears, I show up for my recovery and help others. 

4 comments:

  1. thanks for posting this. i dont even drink or smoke cigarettes these days. i just EAT!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you are pretty.

    ReplyDelete