Sunday, May 26, 2013

Being vulnerable

Being clean is not the solution to all my problems. In fact, getting off drugs might be the beginning of a new set of problems! Since I never was much at taking care of myself prior to recovery, I had to learn how to be an adult without a means of escape into a bottle or spoon. Bills? I never paid them. Kids? I never had them. Relationships? I always had multiple romantic relationships that overlapped each other so I would never be alone. I'm sure you can relate. And in terms of sexual desire- I can fuck you with out feeling you. Heroin made that easy. The skin you touched was a mask to hide the person inside. 

I am so vulnerable in recovery. It's like the moment you turn your neck to some one to stick a needle in there. My whole life is in their hands. At that moment, I can feel pain, pleasure, fear. And I frequently find it impossible to communicate my feelings . You have been digging around for awhile so I end up bruised and disappointed. 

It is hard to show a person that part of yourself that you normally cover up. My neck is so close to my heart. I hear my pulse in my ears. It echoes through my thoughts. I want to show you my neck. For once, I am not with a predator. I can be vulnerable and alive. 

5 comments:

  1. WOW Tracey that was some good stuff, I can relate to you 100% keep it coming, my friend Your Friend Gabe

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    1. Thanks. This story is about a friend and how hard it is to build relationships when you have been so guarded

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    2. Thanks Tracey,poetry of truth

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  2. I glimpsed your name on your inmate ID bracelet in the BTH documentary. After the film ended I googled you and learned of your current profession and was very happy with that news. Then you posted on reddit and kept posting there and have the most awesome posts. I simply can't express how amazing I think you are. I've read every post on the blog so far in a few hours, and kept saying to myself that I needed to leave a comment and so I finally am. I messaged you on reddit also but you deserve a thousand messages, lol. Keep doing what u r doing. You rock.

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