Monday, May 20, 2013

Exit Strategy

Get out while you can. They only thing you need to change is everything. Just stop using. Then what? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The truth is that unless you are in residential treatment, early recovery is pretty boring. If you whole life was filled up with the getting and using of drugs, not using them leaves WAY too much free time. Then you are stuck with so many emotions. Buckle up- it will be like a rollercoaster.

The first nine months I was clean, I had the complete inability to cry for myself. Crying would have felt good. I cried a thousand tears over not having drugs in the morning. It was hard to relate to myself as a person who was not on drugs. All the friends I had for six full year were on them. I did not know how to do the most basic things. It was if I was in a parallel universe but this one had no joy because I could not use. Wait.

The change is so incremental. The insane thoughts discipate. In early recovery, I contiplated both selling drugs and working in a whore house. I was clean- I could finally make some money and keep it. Before I hatched these plans into action I realized for myself, I can not be clean and live dirty. I do not want to be surrounded by dope fiends, tricks, pimps, players hustlers. Most of all, I washed the desperation out of my clothes. I had to manage to keep my actions in check. it is not my thoughts but my actions that get me in trouble.

I really, really cringe when people describe me as some type of hero. I am no hero. I am just like every other clean addict. In fact, I am pretty ordinary. The extraordinary thing about me is that I am able to communicate my story to you on a daily basis. Come up with an exit strategy. Think of what you can do to keep yourself off drugs. Pull yourself out of the chaos around you. Find a new perspective.  There is a new life on the other side.

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