Thursday, May 23, 2013

All apologies

At one point in my life, it seemed like my life was a series of disappointments. When you are an addict, on a daily basis you have the feeling like you are crushing people's expectations of you. In your mind, you hear the voice of a parent, a child, a lover or friend. Each hit drives in the fact that you are worthless for not caring enough about them to stop. 

In recovery, I have had the opportunity to talk with many people from the past. Some people I hurt, some people hurt me. I had a conversation yesterday that was 23 years overdue. I realized that pain is not my self endeavor to marinate in. I like to sit in my pain and wear it around like perfume. I want everyone to sense it, take it in, be attracted to my beauty. However, there is two sides to any relationship. When I am strong enough,I take a look at my part. This may take months, years, decades. I am not just saying "I'm sorry" as if I carelessly stepped on their toe. I am feeling out their side and making a memory out of releasing resentments. This process takes time though. 

I am able to love you today because I love myself. I forgive myself. I avoid torturing myself with memories. I make new ones. Come out of the shadows. Step out into the sun today.

The pic below is from an article I was in from parade magazine. I made the pic artsy.