Thursday, May 9, 2013

Love Junkie

One of the things I have noticed about addicts is that we are super sensitive people with an ultra hard exterior. That is the way you survive addiction. Getting your precious feelings hurt ends in short order when so many people have the ways and means to take advantage of you.

Fast forward to my life today. I am a love junkie. I crave attention. I crave affection. I crave a text, or look, or touch that tells me some one wants me. You may think with fifteen years in recovery I would have worked out my self esteem issues. The answer is a resounding NO. The main problem with my need to be adored is that is in direct opposition with my desire to be left alone. When I am alone, I have my fantasy. A fantasy some time is better than reality because a fantasy cannot hurt me. When I have my fantasy, I ignore my reality. Truth be told, my reality is not bad at all. I have built a stellar life for myself.

My kids can hug me. I can not always feel it. Other people tell me they love me. I still am left wondering why. These are MY issues. I have a deep seated belief somewhere that I am truly a fuck up undeserving of anyone. So, I become a love junkie. Seeking the next thing that will make me feel alive. I crave attention like a hit. I need it. Badly. Then those feelings fade. And I am left feeling like- damn- why did I do all that again? I laugh at myself like I laugh at ducklips on facebook.

I am laughing at this attention whore below with fine tattoo work!. A freaking love junkie.

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