Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Bondage of Self

I am fat. When I say this, people instantly become uncomfortable as if they need to argue in my favor. You can call me thick. You can say pleasantly plump or chubby but really it means fat. The scale provides scientific evidence of reality.

When I say I am fat, I am not putting myself down. For many years, fat was a protection for me. The worst thing you could be as a teenager was fat. In the 80s, there were not many fat kids. We had no protections. No one gave not one damn about bullys. I was fat. It kept me safe in my own isolation. 

Then I lost weight. It messed with my sense of self to be desired for my physical self.  It was if someone had turned on a faucet of attention. I was not prepared for the stream. Addiction amplified my anxiety. Thin and pretty never were two words used to describe me. Crazy and thin or pretty crazy suited me well.

In my recovery, I am always in transition. My body is transitioning again into a new self. I'm not as fat as I was, but certainly not thin. I made a commitment to myself to stop fixing my feelings with food. The pounds are coming off but I am left an emotional wreck. The process makes me crazy. I am an addict. I want the end result, not the work that goes with it. 

Whatever beauty I have comes from self confidence. I am who I am. Accept me. No one is tearing me down today. I will not allow  negativity to push me into hurting myself. I love myself today. If there is something you don't like about yourself, it is not going to change by you tearing yourself down. Take some action. 

In the meantime, embrace your faults. I am fat- And I love myself just the same. And i know you love me too.

I had this picture done of me six years ago. I'm roughly the same size. This blog is essentially a journal with a touch of narcissism so here I am laid bare. 

18 comments:

  1. Bravo, Tracey! You look beautiful.

    As someone who struggles with my weight and food, I completely relate to this post.

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  2. I've gained 50lbs in the 5 plus years I've been sober. My motto: rather I be fat and sober than skinny and strung out! You look fabulous.

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    1. It's true. I'm fine with the way I am.

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  3. Hey Tracey, I realise you must get a LOT of comments and questions and things from people. I was just wondering if you would mind if I emailed you? I know this sounds a bit weird, but I had a dream about you and that I should contact you, I'm not usually very superstitious like that but I just had to tell you. I also just wanted to ask you a few questions if that's ok. Happy Birthday for the other day.

    Hanna.

    ps: I think you honestly look so beautiful just the way you are.

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    1. It's fine. I get 20 or so emails a week. traceyh415@hotmail.com

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  4. Mrs. Helton..you are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us, it truly is a bright spot in my otherwise fucked off day...I have put on 60 pounds and doing heroin for weight loss is one reason I keep relapsing. I hope one day to become comfortable like you are...I am 28 now and have been in and out of recovery since 2004...anyways, many hugs n kisses from a fellow junky in San Jose.

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    1. I'm Ms Helton. I never changed my name. If you are in San Jose we should go to lunch sometime. I'll bring a friend in recovery for safety reason obviously but I'm down

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  5. Just because you're not a size 3 doesn't make you fat. "Fat" implies that you have health problems because of your size. Did you know Marilyn Monroe was a size 16?

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    1. Fat doesn't have a value judgement to me. Also, because of vanity sizing, a 16 in the 60s is equivalent to a 10-12 today.

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  6. Wow Tracy... I got so much respect for you! Also by posting this picture you're proving you're not only saying you don't care what other people think of you "you being fat" with posting it you actually prove you TRULY can care less. Besides, you're not fat at all, you're beautiful, beautiful face, beautiful personality and most of all I inspire you for the transformation-process you've gone through.

    So all those people commenting negative comments... it only reflects how unhappy they are inside themselves, therefor they have to put other people down because they live and react out of desperation.

    Keep up the good work Tracy! From the Netherlands!

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    1. No one insults me. I'll cut a bitch. Probably not a good saying for google translate

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  7. This picture is beautiful! Love it! You have no idea how many people you inspire! Still loving my awesome t shirt!!!

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  8. Once again you never stop amazing me, Tracey you have both Beauty inside and out, Knowing you from our street days and seeing and reading what you are doing today gives me much love & respect for you, If someone had told me you would be where you are today , back then I'd have said they are just as crazy as Tracey is LOL, Many have not made it from our circle, The Spanky's, Frens, Hollywood, Jake, too many for me to count and not start crying, I am just happy seeing you made it out alive and you are living, You inspire many and I admire you for that,

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  9. Hi Tracy,
    Just watched Black Tar and am very glad to see that you are alive and well. I got the sense from the film that you always felt deeply isolated by your weight, causing you to continue overeating. A vicious cycle of addiction.

    Its great that you've found self-esteem, and you look nice the way you are now. But you don't have to resign yourself to being fat. You can easily be healthy and lean, and still stuff yourself with good food everyday. Check out Eat to Live by Joel Fuhrman. Its a $10 book on Amazon that could change your life. Read the reviews if you're skeptical.

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    1. thanks for reading. Yes, I have actually lost 53 pounds since 2011. I am in the process of losing more it is slow going but I feel good. :)

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