I had tried heroin a few times. It was hard to get after my friend stole my connection. I was intrigued when my friend suggested we shoot morphine pills he had got from his girlfriend, the daughter of a pharmacist. "Needles and pins, pins and needles". So this is going to be different? You know I can't hit myself. I only have one rig. Can you help me out? I got $40.
In the old days, pre- needle exchanges, you had to know a diabetic to get a syringe. You kept it until it literally broke, hopefully not in your arm while you were fixing. You would sharpen it on a matchbook. It would pull up you skin like a fish hook. In a group situation, you could be completely fucked if the rig broke before it was your turn. Couples rarely cleaned their rigs with bleach because they could not stand the wait for their issue.
"What is this going to do it me?" Was never really mentioned. Just the feeling. Needles and pins. Four days of needles and pins. I learned about a whole new reality-withdrawal. What is THIS feeling? My legs weighed a thousand pounds. I locked up from muscle cramps on the couch. My nose was runny. My eyes watered. I thought addiction was in your head. I begged Nathan to suffocate me. "You are going to be alright Trace. You are just kicking" kill me now.
People came in and out of my apartment that day and for the next four days. They would yell up to my window. I had no phone. No real furniture. A mattress a couch and a garbage can to puke in. Jason and Mark asked if they could stay the night. "Is there something we can do" "besides kill me, no man. Nothing." No i dont want food water sex friends air. Nothing. It should all been a warning sign but we were so young. When I get off this couch, I am never going to do this shit again. Until the next time. Pins and Needles. Needles and Pins.
I've kicked opiates 11 times all were terrible- from using speed for four days to kicking cold turkey in jail. I can say this with 100% certainty. It does get better. It takes time. And I am going to do everything necessary to not use again.