Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Just for today- fuck heroin.

You woke up one day.
You were strung out. 
It happens. 
I don't know why you started. 
Were you the shy kid?
Were you the athlete?
Were you the child of uncaring parents?
Were you bored? 
It doesn't matter any more. 

Start where you are at. 
Stop licking the blood off your arm.
Stop cutting the straw from Dunkin Donuts.
Stop killing yourself because someone doesn't love you. 
You need to love yourself. 

You were born perfect. 
A child- capable, lovable, adorable. 
The drugs don't understand you.
The drugs don't complete you.
They compete for your attention.
They mask your affection. 
You deserve more.

I don't know what 2016 will bring. 
I do know this- fuck heroin. 
Heroin is a living death.
Heroin is the jealous lover.
Heroin takes everything. 
Heroin is not a cure.
Heroin is the cancer.
It infects your body. 
It slow eats away your bones.
You become a shell of yourself.
Until you die or arrest it's progress. 
But it waits there, waits for an opportunity.
Fuck heroin.
I am not wasting my life on you

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Fuck the Holidays 2015 Edition

Fuck- the- Holidays. 
If you haven't said it, I know you have at least thought it. 
As drug users, this time of year sucks big time. First of all, if you are in active addiction there are going to be a long series of uncomfortable days. You are going to have to worry about pinned/dilated pupils. You are going to have to explain the flu that never seems to end. You are going to have to figure out how much of x,y,z you need to take with you on those trips "over the river and through the woods." To top it off, drug dealers have the nerve to take that day off. Where can you spend that $50 mom slips you so dad can't see? How can you make the most of that Christmas bonus? Dashing through the snow with one bag on the tray, over the city we go, sniffing all the way... You know who you are.

Secondly, you may be in early recovery. You may be the one everyone hides their purse from at the family gathering. You may be wrestling with whether you should even OPEN your uncle's medicine cabinet knowing that benzos/oxy/whatever makes me go slow awaits. You nod at your cousin from across the room. You know that little fucker has adderall. He gets away with it but everything thinks YOU are the messed up one. Then there are the family stories. Remember "when this happened". Oh no. That was when she/he was in jail someone decides to point out. Everyone in your family gets way too drunk and starts telling stories about how you got special treatment blah blah blah. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready. Here, they tell you, sit right next to some child you don't know because your were getting high the entirely of their 4 or 6 or 8 years. Damn. 

Finally, there is the people who have been clean for a little while. Everyone thinks we can help them out during the holidays. Can you be my designated driver? Can you loan me some money? Should I buy a bunch of guilt gifts I can barely afford so people think I am less of a fuck up? Can I have the spiked egg nog or will I end up taking a few bars after that and blacking out under the mistletoe? Then there is that feeling of nagging loneliness. I am so alone in this winter wonderland. I wish I could see my kids (that you lost) or my friends (that are dead) or go back to the house (that I left). It is tough my friends. Tough to stay off that shit when everyone around you seems so fucking happy and irritating at that. 

I am just going to do my thing. I enjoy the food. I enjoy the fact that anyone wants to have me around. There was one point in my life where I couldn't even stand the sound of my own voice. There was the holiday on meth. The holiday I spent dope sick. The holiday where I tried to sell my Christmas shoes for a hit. I am going to just be happy I am loved and enjoy cuddling with my kids while we watch our kitten destroy the Christmas tree. 

I am not going to say "Happy Holidays" but I will hope you are safe and with people that really care for you. 

XOXO Tracey

Sunday, December 6, 2015

New video

I post videos from time to time to show people that "it works" and you can get better, no matter how down you may feel. Click here

Saturday, December 5, 2015

A Life Without Drugs

I get lots and lots of questions. Some days, I might get up to 50 messages. I get questions about the movie "Black Tar Heroin." I get questions about naloxone. I get a few hate message. The main question I get over and over is "What is life like without drugs?"

What is life like without drugs? That isn't an easy question to answer. First of all, every person is different. Every "bottom" is different. The reasons people want to quit are different. No one was pressuring me to stop. Despite the fact that I was homeless, depressed, and lying to everyone including my family I still did not feel any pressure to stop. Despite the fact that my health was in complete disrepair, I brushed off various symptoms. I was underweight. I was having heart palpitations from stimulant use. I had cavities and a whole in my tooth where a filling used to be. I had a few large healing abscesses. I had no glasses. I hadn't had them for years. I am unable to properly navigate the world without them. Well, I did have some glasses. they were stolen from a car and not my prescription. Someone gave them to me, thinking it was better than having to be my seeing eye bro. I was shooting up in the palms of my hands, my knuckles, the soles of my feet, the veins that run along my stomach.

 Despite all this evidence, I didn't feel any pressure to quit. I felt overwhelmed by the idea of having to climb this mountain of problems. Where would I start? The housing? My health? I was running from probation. Do that first? What about the Hep C? The possibility of HIV? I felt like I was drowning in ice water. I would occasionally come up for air, the heat of the world made me burn in pain, like my skin was being scraped off by the sunlight. 

What is life like without drugs? It is hard. It starts out. You stop using. You worry about shitting the bed. You jack off, you cry. You bed someone to kill you. You pray for death. You feel things for the first time. Generally, your dick comes first or your genitals in general. Then your stomach. Then water comes from your eyes. You realize you are crying, like really crying. Not sneezing and crying from withdrawal, but crying because dope or pills have been your best friend for so long. Dope has been that ride or die. You have spent your time and energy with dope. Why does it have to end life this? Because it does. 

It doesn't matter if you quit cold turkey, use meds, get on subs or methadone or whatever. You still feel that loss. It stings. It hurts. You wake up one morning like "where has the past months/years gone?" You look at pictures and realize you were not there. You look in your phone and realized you haven't spoke to that person. You want to eat something and realize you don't even know what to eat anymore if it isn't sour patch kids or ice cream or something off the 99c menu. Oh fuck. You woke up one day and you are alive again. 

That, that is the brilliant part. I AM ALIVE AGAIN. You will feel this rush one day. There will be this overwhelming rush. After the sadness, after the remorse, will be an overwhelming rush. There will be this feeling life maybe life isn't so bad. Maybe, I can be myself again. The air smells fresh, my dick is hard, there is a few dollars in my pocket. I heard myself laugh today. Maybe I can do this. I can sleep. I can eat. I can smile. I can function without drugs. And I am going to be okay. You will look in the mirror and know you are going to be okay. That feeling is golden. You are golden. Life begins in that moment. 

What is life like without drugs? I cuddle up with my kids, with my cats, with my husband. I enjoy the fuck out of a good comforter. I like to eat, a little too much. I like to walk outside. I like to smile here and there. I don't know how to explain it. I have some FREEDOM. I could return to drugs. I could drink or smoke pot. I don't though. I just don't feel it would enhance my life. I don't knock other people that do. Not everyone fell as far as me. Not everyone is as fucking crazy as me. Period. I don't judge. I get to love people. People love me. Just like they love you. 

Whatever path you chose, be safe. 
Tracey XOXO. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The Parasite

I have many regrets.
I regret the day I decided to stick a needle in my arm.
I don't remember why anymore.
Why did we shoot up Vicodin?
Were we really that bored?
Why couldn't we be like everyone else?
Happy with a few beers and our Vicodin.
God, why couldn't we have been those people?
So high off a few beers.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the day I turned my first trick.
I got money to buy heroin.
I went to a hotel with old man.
$40 while he stared at me.
I was naked on the bed.
He told me I was beautiful.
I almost believed him.
See, how easy this was...
My friend told me it was so easy.
$40 dollars was so easy.
Now we have some drugs. Yay.
It doesn't matter.
It is done.

I regret the way I stole from my parents.
I regret the way I used their confidence.
I regret the way I lied to them.
Give me more money.
Help me. I'm clean.
Heroin and I live a symbiotic relationship.
We get curled together.
Our mind. Our thoughts.
More. Get me more.
I used you.
I used you.
I used everyone around me.
I sucked people dry.

I have many regrets.
We all have many regrets.
The harm I did to others-
Some days I regret this more.
The people who loved me.
They didn't have it coming.
It wasn't their disease.

Heroin changed me.
I was once a daughter, a friend.
It changed me.

Can you love me now?
Can you love me?
I have freed myself.
Relived myself of this parasite.
Removed the shadow.
It clouded everything around me.
Can you love me for the soul I once was?
The friend I hope to be?
The person underneath the shell.