Thursday, December 17, 2015

Fuck the Holidays 2015 Edition

Fuck- the- Holidays. 
If you haven't said it, I know you have at least thought it. 
As drug users, this time of year sucks big time. First of all, if you are in active addiction there are going to be a long series of uncomfortable days. You are going to have to worry about pinned/dilated pupils. You are going to have to explain the flu that never seems to end. You are going to have to figure out how much of x,y,z you need to take with you on those trips "over the river and through the woods." To top it off, drug dealers have the nerve to take that day off. Where can you spend that $50 mom slips you so dad can't see? How can you make the most of that Christmas bonus? Dashing through the snow with one bag on the tray, over the city we go, sniffing all the way... You know who you are.

Secondly, you may be in early recovery. You may be the one everyone hides their purse from at the family gathering. You may be wrestling with whether you should even OPEN your uncle's medicine cabinet knowing that benzos/oxy/whatever makes me go slow awaits. You nod at your cousin from across the room. You know that little fucker has adderall. He gets away with it but everything thinks YOU are the messed up one. Then there are the family stories. Remember "when this happened". Oh no. That was when she/he was in jail someone decides to point out. Everyone in your family gets way too drunk and starts telling stories about how you got special treatment blah blah blah. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready. Here, they tell you, sit right next to some child you don't know because your were getting high the entirely of their 4 or 6 or 8 years. Damn. 

Finally, there is the people who have been clean for a little while. Everyone thinks we can help them out during the holidays. Can you be my designated driver? Can you loan me some money? Should I buy a bunch of guilt gifts I can barely afford so people think I am less of a fuck up? Can I have the spiked egg nog or will I end up taking a few bars after that and blacking out under the mistletoe? Then there is that feeling of nagging loneliness. I am so alone in this winter wonderland. I wish I could see my kids (that you lost) or my friends (that are dead) or go back to the house (that I left). It is tough my friends. Tough to stay off that shit when everyone around you seems so fucking happy and irritating at that. 

I am just going to do my thing. I enjoy the food. I enjoy the fact that anyone wants to have me around. There was one point in my life where I couldn't even stand the sound of my own voice. There was the holiday on meth. The holiday I spent dope sick. The holiday where I tried to sell my Christmas shoes for a hit. I am going to just be happy I am loved and enjoy cuddling with my kids while we watch our kitten destroy the Christmas tree. 

I am not going to say "Happy Holidays" but I will hope you are safe and with people that really care for you. 

XOXO Tracey

9 comments:

  1. Going through active addiction and living in a shelter, I don't have to worry about hiding shit from my family this year. Fuck it.

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  2. Frank Sinatra would have been 100 years old on 12 December! Fuck this world and fuck you !

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  3. Happy Holidays, Tracey :) I get to spend Christmas and New Years with my family and lovely fiance for the second year in a row now, and I couldn't be more grateful! Clean and serene 8)

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  4. Thanks for this! Going in my second Holiday clean. And I'm excited for what I can do for my son. But it's still an avalanche of emotions. Trying not to fall into guilt mode with gifts and money. They cannot make up for 13 years of using. And my brother made it back home from San Fran a couple of months ago. So it's the first year I will be with family in a long time. Plus working I work retail too. Like I said it's a doozy. Just making sure to take time for myself. I owe you a card as well. ��Becca

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  5. I sometimes shoot cocaïne & am on methadone. I'm back from y hard core junkie years. I never stole anyone from my family or let them guess I was such a mess. since I had a roof..
    Anyways, none from my family called for the holidays. I've shut my Facebook down. 300 contacts, so called friends & family, & none to give me a phone call. 4th year in a row alone from Xmas & without drugsI even shut my phone since.

    Xmas sucks.
    &i'm back to heroin also.

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