Friday, April 21, 2017

The present sufferings

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..."

The pink of the sky reveals the last bit of night that will save me from seeing myself in the last bit of sun. I caught a glimpse of who I used to be when I walked by the store front. The distortion was as infectious as the bacteria that creeps up my legs. I am an amalgam of chemicals, fear, sugar, and good intentions. I see the mother pull her child in closer as I walk by. I don't need to see myself to know how I appear to them. 

I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a woman. I am capable of love. These drugs that course through my veins provide me from a brief respite from the voices that announce on a daily basis that I am not worthy to walk along side the mortals shun me. I am godlike in that I have chosen suffering as the path to righteousness. I see a few minutes of joy in the waves of chemical satisfaction that stole me away from you. 

If I hold out my hand, would you take me somewhere? Can I sit with you despite my dipping, my slurring, or twitching? Remember when I was human once. We threw the ball on the playground. You patted my head. You told me to be careful. I am careful. I am careful not to reveal myself to you for that knowledge would make me utterly alone. I am careful not to let my pinned eyes look in your direction. You don't see me anymore. I only exist in terms of your judgement-an addict, a junkie, no longer your best friend. 

What would happen if you held me a little tighter? 
What if the world loved me a little more? 



Saturday, April 8, 2017

Promises Made and Promises Broken

I am obsessed with losing you. I am obsessed with your using.
I am obsessed by all the signs and flags and flares that were thrown up that I ignored in my almost selfish pursuit of happiness. It was too much to think that I could find another person that made me laugh that could be “normal”. I misread all the cues. I am now thinking about heroin again. Not thinking about using it. There were silent promises made and broken on a daily basis.


I dismissed myself in this process. As I received a steady diet of half truths, I settled into the idea that there must be something wrong- me of course. I thought it was me! How unsettling that is in retrospect. I blamed myself for your problems. I have become truly sick again. I have become immersed in the language and the mannerisms of a using addict believing them when I should be strong enough to recognize.


Do I enjoy the familiarity this scenario brings? The cryptic messages my brain feeds me screening out moments of truth? I have skated in this direction for many years. I have just never dove headfirst into the pool without checking the depth of the water. That water is all the tears I have cried over the past few weeks trying to figure out how I could get in this place.


Why in the fuck do I even care. Why the fuck do I keep going over this over and over again? I am so fucking mad at myself for getting caught in this fucking bear trap. Do I keep pulling at myself until I get ripped apart or do I try to strategize my great escape. These feelings are totally out of place in the fabric of my life. Who fucking cares right. Just let this go.

Like a tragic comedy, I hear the chorus inside my head telling me that something was amiss. You went back to it. While I raised my hand at the meeting, you pushed the plunger deeper into my heart. While I tried to be well, you wanted to get well. I am no better than you. We are absolutely the same person. We are both dying. The exception is that I am dying on the inside and you are waiting for the day you don't wake up.

Down, down, down. Waiting for the phone to light up. A text that tells me what to feel. I'll be there in thirty minutes. It is over, all over, again.