Friday, April 21, 2017

The present sufferings

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..."

The pink of the sky reveals the last bit of night that will save me from seeing myself in the last bit of sun. I caught a glimpse of who I used to be when I walked by the store front. The distortion was as infectious as the bacteria that creeps up my legs. I am an amalgam of chemicals, fear, sugar, and good intentions. I see the mother pull her child in closer as I walk by. I don't need to see myself to know how I appear to them. 

I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a woman. I am capable of love. These drugs that course through my veins provide me from a brief respite from the voices that announce on a daily basis that I am not worthy to walk along side the mortals shun me. I am godlike in that I have chosen suffering as the path to righteousness. I see a few minutes of joy in the waves of chemical satisfaction that stole me away from you. 

If I hold out my hand, would you take me somewhere? Can I sit with you despite my dipping, my slurring, or twitching? Remember when I was human once. We threw the ball on the playground. You patted my head. You told me to be careful. I am careful. I am careful not to reveal myself to you for that knowledge would make me utterly alone. I am careful not to let my pinned eyes look in your direction. You don't see me anymore. I only exist in terms of your judgement-an addict, a junkie, no longer your best friend. 

What would happen if you held me a little tighter? 
What if the world loved me a little more? 



2 comments:

  1. Beautiful post...am drawn to your blog whenever I am sick. I'm incredibly happy to have found it because I remember watching bt when it first came out. I wish I knew how you did it. My biggest source of guilt is not being able to stop even after the birth of my kids. I keep hoping that one day I will be able to wake up from this nightmare. I'm rambling...

    - PercoDan

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  2. PercoDan... I also used after my kids were born. That was when I was at my worst. However I functioned and met there needs. However I know I was emotionally unavailable, distracted and not truly there. I lucked as they were young enough not to remember. I got clean, married, more children, became a chef blah blah. I had 13 YEARS plus several long phases before that and I SLIPPED! But I didn't let that slip turn into a run and a run into a lifestyle. You can be a REAL parent, you CAN stop. Please know there are a lot of people like Tracey and I who made it out. People like us who care and will support you and point you were you need to go. But until you are ready just know you are worth saving and that I sincerely DO CARE

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