Wednesday, April 17, 2013

"Some times it makes me happy"

I go on you tube and other film sites once a week or so to see what people are saying about the movie "Black Tar Heroin". This may be how you found me, found my blog. When the movie came out, I was one bitter bitch. The first week it showed on HBO in the US, it had like two million viewers. Suddenly, I went from anonymous person in early recovery to poster child for junkies everywhere. The exposure was painful.

The first few years after the film came out, I had some regrets of slitting my wrists in front of a camera with no chance of being saved. My mother was quietly embarrassed as was my family. Many people admired me for being honest. Mostly, the fact that the film never mentioned that I was clean stuck in my throat like a splinter. Would the painful piece expel itself or lodge deeper in my core.

After a few years, I entered a long fuck it period where I was rarely recognized. A few times friends had viewing parties of the movie. I would get pissed as if my life was a big fucking joke but then I realized the brilliance of the irony. I have this record of a horrible time in my life done by an Academy Award winning director like a dysfunctional home movie.

A few years ago, this movie reappeared in bits and pieces on you tube. I ignored it at first. I would get random friend requests on Facebook which I mostly ignored in haste. It finally occurred to me something was going on. Spanky directed me to a you tube page. I saw a ground swell of support for the IDEA that someone in the movie could recover. I made a decision to come out of my cocoon of normalcy and share myself. I am embracing the legacy I left to many. Unless you know I have been clean and others are, the story is not complete.

There is a scene in the movie where I am looking out the window. I remember being there, that moment. The feeling of desperation. Some times it makes me happy. Being the carrier of hope can be a heavy burden because I am imperfect. However, just by existing I provide insight on the human ability to regain freedom from substances and thrive despite no evidence that I would survive. I embrace the story. I rewrote it for you



3 comments:

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  2. I found your blog through watching Black Tar Heroin on youtube. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, and as such was interested to know what happened to the people in the film. I'm glad you decided to share your story.

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    1. http://traceyh415.blogspot.com/2013/02/black-tar-heroin-10-questions-answered.html
      Thanks for reading

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