Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Historic Recall

I am going to spend my lunchtime at work writing more for my book. I am up to 54 pages. I would like to get a first draft complete by June. I think I will complete my goal. Writing this book has messed with my mind. I am dreaming about people I have not seen in many, many years. I had a dream about heroin last week. This is not unusual but always unwelcome.

In case you are wondering, I am the manager of a large program that helps ex addicts and people with issues such as depression get jobs within the cicil service system. We provide meaniful opportunities for employment. My salary is paid for directly by the California 1% tax on millionaires to pay for innovative mental health services. Chances are if you used drugs, you have some history of anxiety or depression.

 I have a certificate in substance abuse counseling but I do not work directly with clients on a daily basis. I am in constant contact with addicts seeking recovery as they are in my office building. I see them everyday waiting in line for detox. Many are at the worst point in their life seeking help. There is also a suboxone pharmacy on another floor of the building. I ran into an old friend there a few years ago. I used to go over to his apartment to get away from Ben when we were having our arguements.My friend had been shot in the head in the middle of the day. He was shot from a few feet away right where we used to hang out and survived. It always seems like who died and who survived is so random. Who ever shot him must have really wanted him dead. So very random. yet, he survived and this STILL did not stop him from using drugs. The motivation to stop also can be quite random. As a drug counselor, you never really can tell who is going to stay clean. Random.

I am attaching two pictures. One is the black tar heroin DVD and one is a pic of a few items I was handed down from Jake after his death. Writing this book is dragging out all types of memories. My son was pulling at his pajamas because he wanted to get his pull up off. He wanted "diaper on". These kids are so strong willed. They wear me out!



10 comments:

  1. Hi Tracey, I was just wondering if your book will be focused solely on the past as in recounting a narrative of your past experiences or if it will be intertwined with your present reflections? I guess that's what's so intriguing about some of your blog posts... as I see them as a kind of side diary commenting on your experience of reliving the past whilst writing your book. anyway just an outsiders point of view. Good luck with your writing.

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    1. It is a mixture of past and present. I think my stories are interesting because I am clean now. If they were just using stories with no hope I would not read them. Thanks for asking

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  2. Yeah exactly... I was hoping it would be that way. Youre in a position to tell such a unique story. To see it from both sides but also be in the middle of it all. The reason I ask is because I know someone who went through something similar but has never really gotten over it. In the sense that they are still trying to escape their present responsibilities and trying to run away from their life (albeit without the drugs). I dont want to judge them, although it's hard because some of their present responsibilities include children. Anyway for what its worth I look forward to reading your book and the insight it may bring.

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    1. getting off drugs is just the start of all the hard work

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  3. I look forward to your book. What are the things in the second picture? Those seem like odd things to be handed down. Will you tell us more about the sober Jake? Did he have anyone from home supporting him in his recovery?

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  4. Those are you figures- one from the movie scream and one from the movie sleepy hollow. Jake had friends when he was clean. The main issue was his taper of methadone. He tapered off to impress other people when methadone at a very low dose was a pilar of his sobriety. At low doses, methadone acts as a mild anti depressant for many people. After being on methadone for years, it is extremely hard to get off

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  5. Tracey where do I find the DVD? I looked at Amazon, they only have one but the cover doesn't look the same..??

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    1. The filmmaker gave me a box of them years ago. You can order them through his website. I was thinking about raffling one of to readers or other stuff I have related to the movie. I have some promo pics too. I even have a few black tar heroine t shirts we had made for my seventh recovery anniversary with my pic on them from the cover. I'm sure someone would like that stuff

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  6. Will you post the promo pics? Such a good documentary.

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    1. I will have to dig in my garage and find them

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