Sunday, April 28, 2013

Drug Porn

For some reason I am super emotional this morning. For the most part, my emotions are pretty muted. I am not the type of person to cry at weddings or funerals. It is hard to solicit a laugh from me. I spent a good portion of my life numbing my feelings. My children can easily break through whatever protective veneer I have placed over myself. Instinctually though, I have survived in this life by stuffing my feelings or purely ignoring them.

Out of the blue, a thing or a person can smash through whatever denial I have of my human condition. I work in an environment where jaded is a required job skill. Counselor who are not jaded end up killing themselves or relapsing. This situation is counseling though. It is my real life. I see a reflection. I see a mirror into myself. Suddenly, I am forced to deal with my own pain and it is glorious. It is the feeling you get from picking at a scab. Some people would never understand but but I do not want to smooth my hurt over with a band aid. I want to dig it out and look at it.

I am so relieved there was no Internet or cell phones when I was using. However, in a sense the movie Black Tar Heroin is nothing but drug porn. It draws people in looking for a brief encounter. You tube had made individual frames available. In many ways, the movie should have helped my recovery but it also could have completely sabotaged it. You know what? I am a mother fucking addict. Sometimes, even the worst seems like a plausible reason.

Here I am though. I am putting more blood on the pages. Cutting my heart out for you to examine. I am clean but I am not cured. I hurt for you. I can cry for you. I have these feelings.

Below is some education porn

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