Thursday, April 4, 2013

Eating me alive

Part of my story- the story of my human frailty- is my relationship to my body. I became a compulsive over eater at around six. My weight, or lack of self esteem has been a life long issue.

In my addiction, I got down to 119 pounds. This may not seem small but I am 5'8". At a 119 pounds, I was completely flat chested. You could see all of my ribs and my sternum bones. I had no fat left. The last place you lose weight when you are starving is in your vagina area of which I had no fat left. Me and my boyfriend were two skeletons on the bed. Still, I would look at the fat calories on food labels. I was obsessed with being thin for the first time in my life.

Around the time of high school and after, I got down to 160 pounds. This was my ideal weight according to the multitude of weight loss programs I attended in my childhood. The first time I saw a friend eat a whole pizza and throw it up, it was a revelation. Binging, purging was a little to stringent for me. My friend and I used a combination of laxatives, enemas and blood pressure meds we took from our mothers to get to our ideal weight. All the validation was worth it at the time. No male was ever interested until then. I was very fragile before I became so strong.

I am telling you these things dear reader because the drugs and their use are part of the story. The pain we feel, the lack of self acceptance tears down the soul. I can embarrass myself for a few minutes to release you from feeling alone. Today I am perfect with all of my flaws. I can accept myself as you can accept me.

1 comment:

  1. "GIVE TIME TO CAUSES YOU CARE ABOUT" embossed on this treasure of a child's feelings of love for you; their Mother. The irony of this powerful photo is not lost. Not to me. It is the little things in life that, if we give time to, will be very profound and rewarding. A smile, an acknowledged nod, our little children, our sometimes little self esteem and patience. Give Time To Causes You Care About. Thank you for giving your time. I hope it has rewarded you as well. You are loved. Thank You, Tracey.