Thursday, April 4, 2013

The First Person

If you are wondering what it would be like to meet me, I am a total bitch in real life. Everyone thinks I hate them for the first two or three months they know me. It is not that I hate everyone. I am very socially inept so it comes across as if I am scowling. Plus, I am silently judging you. I am summing up all of our differences.

I was harshly ridiculed in elementary school because of both my weight and my intellect. Children were very cruel to me. There were many days when I imagined myself being an entirely other person. I would sit out in the yard in the summertime. The screen doors would be open. I would listen to my parents argue. I would imagine myself as an adult but I was generally dissatisfied with my visions. There was one summer I did not take a shower or get out of my pajamas for two weeks. I am not sure what my parents thought because they did not say much of anything. There was not a word in my vocabulary for what I call it now- depression.

Depression comes in waves for me. It is not a constant. I am never entirely sure what triggers it but I have had it my entire life. I have never taken meds for it. I spent seven years in therapy. I was first sent to a psychologist in junior high school. On and off depression.

Off the drugs, I have no buffer for my feelings. I am not drowning my depression in vodka and crystal meth. I deal with the cycles the best I can. I have support from friends, I have my hobbies. I have you dear readers. I am the first person to tell you I am willing to ask for help when I need it. Even if I am afraid or shy.

7 comments:

  1. Tracey, if you dont mind my asking, what was your experience/opinion of therapy?

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    1. Therapy helped me quite a bit. I decided against taking medication so I had to put in a lot of work. If my depression would have gotten much worse, I would have taken meds. Therapy depends on the therapist and is the sessions are solution focused. It is really a good time to work out issues with an observer who is no invested in the outcome unlike the opinion of friends

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  2. Interesting. I'm one of those people that has had the opportunity to know you personally, and YES! I kinda thought you...well, HATE is too strong a word, but DISLIKE. I thought you disliked me. I wonder if when you were taking my inventory you realized how much we actually had in common. There sure are a lot of similarities in our stories that I have learned through reading your blog. I'm a very social person. I get along with 90% of the people I meet, and I take it personally when people don't seem keen on me. It has never occurred to me that I may be mistaking social awkwardness for disdain. Thanks for another eye opener!

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  3. This blog describes my childhood in perfect detail. I grew up in Los Angeles and people are the most cruelest about weight in this area than any other part of the u.s. I was bullied about my weight almost to the point of suicide I was so depressed. I was put on antidepressant lexapro at 13 causing me gain even more weight 80 lbs I was miserably depressed and could not lose to weight. Well fast forward to now I'm 23 and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (muscle pain) and ptsd. Come to find out my ptsd is due to flashbacks of bullying causing me to get depressed at times cause its like I'm being teased all over again. I thought it was all depression but I only get sad with flashbacks. When I found out I got fibromyalgia my life went down the drain so fast. I started smoking weed for the pain but it turned into addiction after an abusive relationship. The weed stopped working and I became HEAVILY addicted to IV dilaudid. dilaudid is 20x stronger than heroin (I ended up trying black tar for a bit it was so weak for me and took too long to kick in it took 30 secs and the rush wasn't great) now dilaudid on the other hand u can feel it in five secs as u are injecting and it causes a withdrawal sooooo intense tar withdrawal was nothing compared to it
    I also ived several other opiates. Also use benzos and alcohol. After 3 yrs of IV dilaudid abuse I quit because I couldn't feel a rush anymore. By the grace of God I stopped using the needle. I can't afford treatment for ptsd I also have several other untreated mental illnesses borderline personality disorder, ocd, bipolar, possible schizoid personality disorder. I sit here still addicted to pills but I swallow then now and don't use them everyday. The drug addiction mostly progessed after ptsd about child abuse and realizing my dad molested me. I always wish I could be someone else. I've lost everything to drugs and can't pick myself up to get sober cause the fibromyalgia pain. I am very glad to read ur blog very inspiring

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    1. thanks for reading. I am sorry you have been in so much pain in your life

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  4. Thank you so much I'm very very glad u wrote back I will stay in touch

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