If you are wondering what it would be like to meet me, I am a total bitch in real life. Everyone thinks I hate them for the first two or three months they know me. It is not that I hate everyone. I am very socially inept so it comes across as if I am scowling. Plus, I am silently judging you. I am summing up all of our differences.
I was harshly ridiculed in elementary school because of both my weight and my intellect. Children were very cruel to me. There were many days when I imagined myself being an entirely other person. I would sit out in the yard in the summertime. The screen doors would be open. I would listen to my parents argue. I would imagine myself as an adult but I was generally dissatisfied with my visions. There was one summer I did not take a shower or get out of my pajamas for two weeks. I am not sure what my parents thought because they did not say much of anything. There was not a word in my vocabulary for what I call it now- depression.
Depression comes in waves for me. It is not a constant. I am never entirely sure what triggers it but I have had it my entire life. I have never taken meds for it. I spent seven years in therapy. I was first sent to a psychologist in junior high school. On and off depression.
Off the drugs, I have no buffer for my feelings. I am not drowning my depression in vodka and crystal meth. I deal with the cycles the best I can. I have support from friends, I have my hobbies. I have you dear readers. I am the first person to tell you I am willing to ask for help when I need it. Even if I am afraid or shy.