Guest Post From Lance PA, USA
Looking back at the 10+ years of my active addiction, I never once saw faults in my relationships with people I loved with all of my heart. I always thought everything was fine and that if there was a problem it would go away with some talking and nurturing, but with the blinders of heroin over my eyes, I couldn't ever see the truth.
My first relationship, real, true, inexorable love, was with a blonde girl 6 months my senior and a grade above me in high school. We met through my uncle, as her two brothers were his good friends. In the beginning everything was absolutely incredible. She was the love of my life, and still to this day it's hard for me to really write this knowing what I threw away. She sat at my table at lunch alot but never took notice to me until the one night my uncle, her, and some other friends of his and I decided I go midnight glow bowling. She fed me Hershey chocolate bars, stuffing my mouth full until I could barely breathe. That's when I started talking notice of her. She called my work one night asking me to bring her a cookie. I don't think she thought I actually would, but, when my second shift at the convenience store was done I drove to her friends house where she was staying and brought her a cookie. We sat behind another convenience store and talked, it started to thunder and lightning, so I held her; nervously. When I took her back to her fiends house I could feel the air thick with anticipation, tension, and love. We both were smitten and thus began the growth of a beautiful flower I would later stem, viciously and wanton. My addiction to opiates started at this time also, growing like a potato in the dark, wet soil of my soul, underneath everything I really was.
Fast forward a year after we began dating; the first time I cheated on her. It was with a 15 year old girl (keep in mind I was only 17) who was my best friends sister. They lived an hour away from me. It hurt me to do this, but I numbed the pain with opiates. I came home that weekend and broke up with the love of my life and started a love triangle that would last 4 years, bouncing between them. Like a zombie. There were many more after that and during that as well. The worst was the last one, a girl I turned into a monster. She was a beautiful small Korean girl who was adopted by American citizens. We went to school together and I pursued her, took her virginity, made her fall for me while I was single, went back to my true love and began another triangle. My true love and I were living together at this point. The triangle between my best friends sister, my true love and I ended with the birth of my son in 2005. We moved in together in 2007 and in 2008 this new one began. But because the Korean girl and I were both addicts now we leaned on each other in order to stay well, to keep going. My true love hated this all together but stayed with me because she loved me and knew the kind of person I was off of drugs; waiting for that person to come back. She stayed with me through severe heroin addiction, overdoses, cheating, lying, and horrible bullshit. But one day the levee broke.
She would try to look the other way when she knew I was with the Korean girl, my best friends sister or any other girl, but would explode on me when she couldn't do it. One day she had enough after reading my text messages while I was asleep. She threw the phone at my face while I laid on the couch nodded out. I jumped up and punched her in the leg as hard as I could and grabbed her throat saying something to the effect of "don't you ever do that again or I'll fucking kill you". She cried and eventually stopped. I believe she went to sleep at her moms that's night with my son, who was 2 years old and saw it all. The next day, she filed a PFA, I went to jail when it was served because I had warrants, and that was the end.
I detoxed in jail. It was excruciating. I went straight from jail to a 32 day treatment an hour away, but having just gone through a detox a month prior, and all the shit over the years, my true love had enough and it was never to be again.
This is the part that is extremely hard for me to write. I didn't get clean until a few months ago. I take with me everyday the pain and agony of not being with the family I should have. I still love her with all of my heart. We are good friends and talk all the time, but everything I put her through, she just won't risk being with me again. This kills me. I put her through hell, I don't blame her. But then again, god damnit I could seriously just fucking wash my mouth out with a bullet because of what I've done. We should be together in a house of our own, with our kids she has with me and not me and some other fucking retard she wasted her time with. I shouldn't have to ask to have my son certain days an weekends, I should simply be able to wake up to him every day. But I can't. I destroyed that fantastic reality with a syringe and some fucking powder. All because I couldn't handle life on life's terms. I was selfish and put my own wants and needs before my family. I hate who I was. I still hate myself because of what I've thrown away. I wake up every single day and I carry this with me all day long. I think about what we had, what we could have had if only I had done the right things. If only I wasn't infatuated with women and needed to fuck everything that moved, if only I could have never touched pills and heroin, if only I had listened to what those who loved me told me....we would still be together. Now I get to watch her have babies with other piece of shit useless fucks, wishing it was me. Go from relationships wishing I could just have that chance again. But I never will.
What I have now is the bed I made. You reap what you sow; words my father carried from his father, and now down to me. I threw away everything for drugs. I hurt the one person that loved me unconditionally and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me all because I wanted to do drugs instead of take care of my family. To her, things couldn't ever be the same. I raped and destroyed what we had.
And now I am a lonely person. I'm off drugs, but the trail of destruction it's caused is still there. I long for a family of my own, with my son. I long for MY family; but emptiness is all I have now. What's done is done and there is no undoing it. I pray that one day she might realize what I've turned into and take me back. But, I'm only kidding myself. Those waters will always be poisoned with the fear of what she remembers from the past, and will never be cleansed by trust, forgiveness and love from her. There just simply isn't enough of it to perform that miracle. And I will always be a broken man because of it.
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My first relationship, real, true, inexorable love, was with a blonde girl 6 months my senior and a grade above me in high school. We met through my uncle, as her two brothers were his good friends. In the beginning everything was absolutely incredible. She was the love of my life, and still to this day it's hard for me to really write this knowing what I threw away. She sat at my table at lunch alot but never took notice to me until the one night my uncle, her, and some other friends of his and I decided I go midnight glow bowling. She fed me Hershey chocolate bars, stuffing my mouth full until I could barely breathe. That's when I started talking notice of her. She called my work one night asking me to bring her a cookie. I don't think she thought I actually would, but, when my second shift at the convenience store was done I drove to her friends house where she was staying and brought her a cookie. We sat behind another convenience store and talked, it started to thunder and lightning, so I held her; nervously. When I took her back to her fiends house I could feel the air thick with anticipation, tension, and love. We both were smitten and thus began the growth of a beautiful flower I would later stem, viciously and wanton. My addiction to opiates started at this time also, growing like a potato in the dark, wet soil of my soul, underneath everything I really was.
Fast forward a year after we began dating; the first time I cheated on her. It was with a 15 year old girl (keep in mind I was only 17) who was my best friends sister. They lived an hour away from me. It hurt me to do this, but I numbed the pain with opiates. I came home that weekend and broke up with the love of my life and started a love triangle that would last 4 years, bouncing between them. Like a zombie. There were many more after that and during that as well. The worst was the last one, a girl I turned into a monster. She was a beautiful small Korean girl who was adopted by American citizens. We went to school together and I pursued her, took her virginity, made her fall for me while I was single, went back to my true love and began another triangle. My true love and I were living together at this point. The triangle between my best friends sister, my true love and I ended with the birth of my son in 2005. We moved in together in 2007 and in 2008 this new one began. But because the Korean girl and I were both addicts now we leaned on each other in order to stay well, to keep going. My true love hated this all together but stayed with me because she loved me and knew the kind of person I was off of drugs; waiting for that person to come back. She stayed with me through severe heroin addiction, overdoses, cheating, lying, and horrible bullshit. But one day the levee broke.
She would try to look the other way when she knew I was with the Korean girl, my best friends sister or any other girl, but would explode on me when she couldn't do it. One day she had enough after reading my text messages while I was asleep. She threw the phone at my face while I laid on the couch nodded out. I jumped up and punched her in the leg as hard as I could and grabbed her throat saying something to the effect of "don't you ever do that again or I'll fucking kill you". She cried and eventually stopped. I believe she went to sleep at her moms that's night with my son, who was 2 years old and saw it all. The next day, she filed a PFA, I went to jail when it was served because I had warrants, and that was the end.
I detoxed in jail. It was excruciating. I went straight from jail to a 32 day treatment an hour away, but having just gone through a detox a month prior, and all the shit over the years, my true love had enough and it was never to be again.
This is the part that is extremely hard for me to write. I didn't get clean until a few months ago. I take with me everyday the pain and agony of not being with the family I should have. I still love her with all of my heart. We are good friends and talk all the time, but everything I put her through, she just won't risk being with me again. This kills me. I put her through hell, I don't blame her. But then again, god damnit I could seriously just fucking wash my mouth out with a bullet because of what I've done. We should be together in a house of our own, with our kids she has with me and not me and some other fucking retard she wasted her time with. I shouldn't have to ask to have my son certain days an weekends, I should simply be able to wake up to him every day. But I can't. I destroyed that fantastic reality with a syringe and some fucking powder. All because I couldn't handle life on life's terms. I was selfish and put my own wants and needs before my family. I hate who I was. I still hate myself because of what I've thrown away. I wake up every single day and I carry this with me all day long. I think about what we had, what we could have had if only I had done the right things. If only I wasn't infatuated with women and needed to fuck everything that moved, if only I could have never touched pills and heroin, if only I had listened to what those who loved me told me....we would still be together. Now I get to watch her have babies with other piece of shit useless fucks, wishing it was me. Go from relationships wishing I could just have that chance again. But I never will.
What I have now is the bed I made. You reap what you sow; words my father carried from his father, and now down to me. I threw away everything for drugs. I hurt the one person that loved me unconditionally and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me all because I wanted to do drugs instead of take care of my family. To her, things couldn't ever be the same. I raped and destroyed what we had.
And now I am a lonely person. I'm off drugs, but the trail of destruction it's caused is still there. I long for a family of my own, with my son. I long for MY family; but emptiness is all I have now. What's done is done and there is no undoing it. I pray that one day she might realize what I've turned into and take me back. But, I'm only kidding myself. Those waters will always be poisoned with the fear of what she remembers from the past, and will never be cleansed by trust, forgiveness and love from her. There just simply isn't enough of it to perform that miracle. And I will always be a broken man because of it.
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Lance, thank you for writing your story, and allowing Tracey to share it with us. You're better than you give yourself credit for. You are clean, you are alive, and you get the chance to rewrite your story. Be the man you want to be, and allow the world to see you as you are, not as you were. Love yourself, so that others can love you too. When you want to give up, and use again, think of the impression you would leave on the world, should you leave it tomorrow. You don't want to be remembered as the guy who relapsed, you want to be known for your present self. Stay clean, keep in touch with Tracey, and good luck <3
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