Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Exposed

The movie "Black Tar Heroin" took away my privacy for many years. Everywhere I went people knew me. From drug dealers, to junkies, counselor, and strangers people all had an opinion on my condition. As the years went by, the barriers of time provided me with some shade. The spot light was no longer pointed directly at all my scars.

A few years ago, the documentary began  appearing in various forms on you tube. This was a fact I learned from Spanky. He used to take his little section from the movie and proudly comment on his few seconds of fame. I found this horrifying and interesting at the same time. "Who is watching this movie?" My curiosity got the best of me. I decided to go take a look for myself. After reading some of the comments, I realized that the world needed to hear my story. The powerful message of the film is that we get clean or we die. I was willing to open myself up again because I know about the suffering of the addict. I also know the joy of getting off drugs.

In writing these stories, I have opened up parts of myself that have laid covered for many years. I hope that you can understand the journey and the struggles I have faced in my life. I enjoy interacting with my readers. I enjoy inspiring someone. There were two men outside today fist fighting over a place in line to try to get to detox. Our work is not done when there is so little access to treatment. My work is not done.

I use my picture below as a metaphor for my relationship with you. My house is very small. There is not a whole lot of privacy. I have private moments but anyone can find you in that small house at any time. So I have to cover up the REALLY private bits. The rest I am willing to leave exposed to the world. I want people to find me. The Internet has made my life the same way. The really private bits I cover up like details about my kids. The rest is open for you all to see on a daily basis. My life provides a narrative that change is real. At some point, I may close up all these doors. For now, I am just out there.

14 comments:

  1. I liek the tupperware in this picture. I wanted it so people couls tell I was moving around in my house

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  2. Yeah, it seems that you've just taken a shower and were rolled in a towel, right?

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    1. Yes. This is in the kitchen. Not many places to hide.

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  3. What do your kids say about your tattoos?

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    1. Well my kids are 2,4,5 so they think they are pretty. The one side of my arm is portraits of our animals so they like those. I live in by San Francisco and tattoos are very common here among the residents. My husband has no tattoos so they get to see both.

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    2. That's good, they won't grow up judging people because of their tatts :)

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    3. they really like temporary tattoos. thanks for reading my blogk

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  4. Tracey do you have any lasting health problems from iv drugs?

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    1. I have circulation problems in my lower legs and feet from shooting up in that area. Other than that, no health problems. I never got an std. I am HIV- and I had Hep C but cleared the virus over ten years ago.

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  5. Apart from being a heavy smoker (tobacco and weed too), I can say I had the luck not to be hooked to any other thing. But let tell you something.

    I was born in the mid seventies and raised in a very problem suburb in my hometown, and the strong years of heavy use of heroin there happened when I started to know what life was about. If I'm telling you this is just because many of those who went to school with me fell to heroin and very few got to quit the habit. I understand your sufferings, your silences and your struggle. Only those who get to do it know the strife to quit such a habit, and those who use their personal experiences to help others get it are like angels. By doing what you do, you are in the way to win a couple of wings. I wish you the best. You deserve it.

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  6. What happend with spanky? Is he clean

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  7. I'm sorry to hear that. It's really sad how many people are dead from your small circle of bth. You get clean or you die.

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