Saturday, July 13, 2013

Guest post/letter

This is an email I received from one if my lovely readers living in another part of the world. I asked if I could post this because it so perfectly sums up early recovery. You are so vulnerable at that point. People can also be so harsh with judgement. Stay strong! The picture below is another in my urban camping series. The straw hat clearly blocks out the insanity of addiction. 

Hey Tracey, I went to my first NA last night, it was pretty surreal. I am so emotionally fragile (I'm still in the midst of kicking with Sub) and have been so isolated apart from being with my boyfriend these last few months that I literally cried any time somebody looked at me, and couldn't talk at all. It was hard, I'm not a tough person, all these people seemed so much tougher than me and I am like butter, plus heroin has significantly diminished my already desperately low self-esteem to the point where I feel like I'm walking around with my head down and my tail between my legs like a beaten puppy, it's fucking embarrassing. I kept wondering if they thought I didn't belong there, kind of like I was somehow cheating because I hadn't been all the way to the bottom yet and there I was asking for help to get to the surface already. I keep questioning myself, does heroin have to take everything from me before I can start again? Or can I try to restore what I have left? Have I suffered enough? Am I a spoiled brat? I don't know the answers yet. I have a practical question for you though, when they ask you for days clean what do you say if you are on sub? I guess I am not clean yet because I am not abstinent, although I have not used heroin for almost 3 days now which is approaching my personal best, I have still used my prescription Valium, pot and sub, do you just politely decline to answer when they ask you how many days in this case? I don't want to trigger anyone. Congrats on being on track for the book goal! Lots of love, anonymous. 

2 comments:

  1. Yeah what do you say when you are on Suboxone?

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    Replies
    1. Suboxone is an individual choice. If used properly, it is a great tool.

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