Monday, June 24, 2013

Swimming in Quicksand

Recovery provides me with freedom. Many times, that freedom is overwhelming to me. When you are drugs, the majority of your decisions are based on impulse. In a split second, I'm loaded or in a relationship or breaking your shit or crying in my hands. When I am using, I only have to be accountable to the connection. They only care about my money, not my guilt or shame. 

How am I supposed to live in this world? How am I supposed to manage my emotions? Within a few days of getting off opiates, it becomes apparent that choices are not my strong suit. In the program they told me to "support" people. Of course I did not tell when people had crack in the program. I'm not a snitch. Of course I didn't tell when people were having sex in the program. Of course I threatening to beat my roommate's ass for not doing my chore. I never made good choices so I kept not making them. 

Then I was released into society. I needed money. Should I sell drugs? I hung out with dealers. They gave me money. Should I go work in a brothel? Should I do this, that, the fucking other thing- fuck this shit. Too many choices. 

The best choice- I did not use drugs. The needle doesn't slip and fall in your arm. You have to pick it up. I went to meetings. I got a sponsor. I went to a women's support group. Slowly, I got better. I got some real recovery. 

If you think I am cured, you are so mistaken dear readers. I make mistakes but I learn from them. I have this impulse issue: fuck it, fuck you, fuck this. Sound familiar? Slow down. Take time. Think. Most of all, do not use. We can all get better together. 

I am including my vacation picture. As you can see, I still wear masks. I hope you see through them today. 

2 comments:

  1. Love ya beyond words, You are AMAZING

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