Thursday, March 7, 2013


I use this blog as my outlet. I put down all of the things that have been kicking around in my head for the past 20 years or more.

I was waiting around for hours and hours. When you do speed, more than half of your time is spent waiting. Are you done yet? Are you coming? Can you meet me here? When is he coming? Where is he? Tearing things apart and waiting for nothing to happen.

I was waiting for my drugs when I met this person. Drugs bring you in contact with random people you would never associate with in your right mind. We were both waiting for the same connection. The Connection had their apartment upstairs. some connections were generous enough to let you fix in their bathroom if you were doing business in their house. We were both put out to find a quiet laundry room in the basement of the building.

It was warm in the laundry room. The perfect place to find a hidden vein. I quickly prepared my poison. I get these senses. Gut feelings or paranoia both work. I generally was very careful about who I used around. In the speed world, men have a tendency to expect sex even if the drugs were purchased with your own money. Since this was a transient location, I was caught off guard when he tried to rape me. Anyone could walk in. ANYONE. any moment. There was no one.

 I had this strong sense- miss, miss, miss. I purposely missed the drugs in my arm. I felt the burn as the welt appeared. FUCK. What have I got myself into this time. He looked like Charles Manson after he was full of drugs.  I am surprised I didn't notice this before but I was so focused on scoring. He had a knife. What am I going to do here? "Take off your pants and don't scream". No, I am not doing it. He slapped me. I slapped him back. I am not fucking taking off my pants so you either are going to have to cut them off or fuck you. I over played my hand. He held me down with the knife. He took care of his dirty business and made sure to get it on my face. He wanted to humiliate me. He did not. I was scared, terrified actually, but I will not be violated. Not today. I needed a new shirt. Fuck. This was a brand new shirt. I went back to my alleyway.

I saw this man at another dope house months. "Is this the guy?" My best friend held him.Yes. it was him. How could I miss that face?  "Beat the shit out of him, Tracey". I froze. I could not. I could not move! What was wrong with me? I STILL regret this as he predicted, 20 years later. My other friend stepped in.  He beat this man down. For me. In front of me. I will not be violated. Not today.


  1. I have looked at almost every movie related drugs on Youtube, but the documentary where you were in touched my heart. Not only that you were relatively easy to find, you are in life and has moved on with everyday life.

    I understand how it is. I have not yet found the strength to put down the nonsense that destroys my life into pieces. I hope that a day of good will and help I'll make a valiant effort.

    P.S! Fell headlong in the first second when you appeared. Love, F.

    1. Thank you for reading my blog. i also hope you find the strength.