Friday, March 22, 2013

Nailing a Corpse

I have a whole series of stories entitled Necrophilia about the relationship between a sober person and an addict. Having a relationship or having relations with me must have been a challenge. For many years, I was dead on the inside.

I had filled my life to make myself completely inaccessible to any type of romantic interest. I was working fourth to fifty hours a week, going to school at night,and avoided any type of eye contact. I had a few one night stands in early recovery that had taught me I was still a very sick person. I let myself be caught in useless sex traps when I easily could have given myself more credit. Or at least I could have selected better partners.

Any brush of a whisker, the smell of cologne, any hand upon my wrist made me think of stabbing someone. Go numb or kill them. Really. My brain was hard wired to animalistic strategies for survival. In my solitude, my little room, I slept with a sweat shirt or blindfold over my eyes and a knife near my bed. I was never sure where I was when I woke up for many years after I stopped using drugs. The memories would not stop. Do not touch a sleeping addict. Do not test their ability to cope with the new. After fifteen years inside, I can still sleep on a floor anywhere with no blanket but wake up in less than a second. Yeah, the primal is that strong.

Loving an addict is like reanimation or alchemy. You are bringing back what was dead or never existed and creating a model of love.

 A reader send me some of his music so I wanted to post his link here. Click away.

I read all of your comments. My readers are very important to me.


  1. "Do not touch a sleeping addict. Do not test their ability to cope with the new." Interesting advice. Your thoughts on how to properly behave around a person in recovery or one who is still using and the correct way to treat a loved one who is trying to stay away from drugs would always be so interesting to read. I do know it's important to give an addict a huge, huge amount of praise for staying "clean" and reward them for doing it...always give them hope, because that's exactly what they need in their lives...lots of hope.

    1. Every persons experience is different but I needed a lot of encouragement

    2. Me too. A well done means so much even if you can't express how much. Likewise, imagine how shit it feels, when you count every second of every hour, for somebody to tell you that you should think about your problems - as if that wasn't what was one your mind all the time! Or worse still if someone tells you that you brought everything on yourself, have only yourself to blame....again, all likely to be more familiar to the addict than the accuser.

      Addicts are the guiltiest people in the world, and we know it.

      What makes the world better anyway? Love. Same goes for addiction.

      And I am not a hippie. It just happens to be true.

  2. More truths.

    Today I feel bad and tempted to do ungood to me and myself and those who are near me.

    I have resisted the temptation and made it to bed. And now I was listening to this when I read your latest post...