I am a big fan of love and I have had many loves in my life. I love food, I love drugs, I love... yes a pattern is emerging. Generally, I am attracted to things that can be take to excess and also things that are in need of repair. I would also say the same of my relationships. I have been attracted to people on the fringe of normal. It didn't start out this way. I was a late bloomer. I didn't go on my first date until I was sixteen. I didn't have my first kiss until the same year. I had sex for the first time November 19, 1987 with a boy I was in "love" with at the time. He was younger, confused about life. The thing I remember most about him was that he took a razor blade and carved "Tracey, I wanna be your dog" in his leg. The Love! He had gone out with me, he told me later, on a dare because apparently I was so bitchy and unlovable that only fools dare to pursue me. I found out late last year that he committed suicide.
My boyfriends could be summed up in a few categories- Killers, too nice for me, male prostitutes with enormous drug habits, depressed beyond belief. The problem with these descriptions lies in the fact that I knew most of these men long before these descriptions. Is it the drugs that make a person become unhinged or was the always there, lying beneath the surface? They could tell me, whisper the truth. most of the them are dead. They are unable to give up all details on the treasure map to misery but I think I found the directions.
Recently, I have been wondering about what life would have been like for my friend growing up. He has been in and out of jail. What chance did he have at life? When people watch Black Tar Heroin, the see the men and wonder HOW could they do that. What is missing from that picture is the fact that what motivates a man to leave his comfortable home and venture out on a Friday night to pick up a drug addicted male prostitute. "Rough Trade" is one thing. The men I am referring to are generally looking for a 16 year old with a skateboard. "Put this on. It makes you look younger". When you are turning tricks at 16, when men are plying you with drugs, when you were molested the streets seem like an endless windowpane trapping you inside. You can see the world around you but everything is passing you by. These are some of the men I knew. By 30, they were in prison or had enormous drug habits. How can you drown the pain that never ends, when fate expells you into a wold full of sorrow with no tomorrow only NOW. And now hurts.
I have beautiful little sons. I want to have them develop into healthy young men. I hope my experience can be my teacher. I will drag you into happiness with all my mom skills and addict education.