Thursday, March 21, 2013


You are having a baby. You are close to thirty seven years old. Children are meant for planners and young people. They callously have sex to produce genetically perfect offspring. That will not be you. You are a sinner. What kind of punishment does God provide to those who dare to cross all boundaries of morality yet claim to want a family?

After losing one child to miscarriage I knew I was being punished for having sucked too many dicks for money. There was not even that many but even one makes you a target for cosmic retribution. The death of my hero- my first attempt at a child. I was a failure as a woman and it stung like a missed hit. It was my fault, I knew it somehow. I had to mourn.

The amniotic test. Will you allow them to stick a needle in your old stomach to suck out proof that you can not produce any thing that is good or healthy? Please please please spare my child the mark of the mother. I feel the cramping, the needle the waiting. What will I do now?

What if something is different about my child? Can I blame them for being something less than perfect? Why did I wait so long for you? Why am I testing out a fantasy? A perfect healthy baby- a dream.

I'm waiting for the call for my future. All the chromosomes line up. Maybe God or nature is a forgiving witness. They know how I wanted my babies

A mother and her love


  1. Your writing is beautiful and powerful.

  2. Congrats of having the family you always wanted. You deserve it.

  3. I echo these sentiments. I remember that first mis and the devastation that followed. It didn't lose the sting after the second, then third. We tried for four years to have a sibling for our daughter. Yeah, we were of advanced age for childbearing, but neither would have been deemed "good parental candidates" back in our twenties! Thank GOD we were blessed when we were. I cried again when I was pregnant for that fifth time. It was our last chance at natural pregnancy, and we weren't willing to go through alternative methods. There are advantages to having your children later in life. We don't take as much for granted. We have survived too much suffering to further perpetuate a miserable existence. We actually LIVE our lives, LOVE our loved ones. Our children will always know they were wanted and are loved infinitely. We are truly blessed.