Wednesday, March 20, 2013

An addict alone is in bad company

This is my favorite line from any type of recovery literature. I discharged from the treatment facility August 26 1998. I had obtained a small job, a little bit of clean time. I had no clue how to live in society.

I applied to move into a transitional house run by the Salvation Army. The place was exactly where I did not want to live. It was on the same street where I used drugs. It was in the same area. The difference- I had changed. I was willing to do anything necessary to stop using drugs. The problem was that I was scared of everything. Waves of dread would pour over me when I would stand near the door of my tiny room. The walls were bare. My shoes were lined in perfect order. My bed was made. Every item in the room was tidy but I was a mess inside.

Some days I would stand at my door and hold there. My heart was beating so fast the blood rose over me. I was weak with thought. I was never afraid to stick a needle in my arm but I was afraid to have a conversation. Frozen. I had no masks. I was stripped down to the core of insecurity. There were no drugs to stand between me and you. I was thrown into the world, reborn and alone. Frozen at the door.

6 comments:

  1. Hi Tracey,

    I hope I'm not bothering you, but is there any way I could please, please e-mail you privately? I would like to ask you a question, please, but feel it is too personal a question to ask you in public.

    It's really wonderful how much sharing you are doing on the internet, like on this very interesting blog of yours right here, and tons of congratulations to you for becoming and staying "clean"! So fantastic, this impressive amount of strength you have. You should be very, very proud.

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  2. My email traceyh415@hotmail.com is where you can contact me

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    Replies
    1. E-mail sent and question asked, thank you so much.

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  3. Tracey, thanks so much, I'll write that down and do that! Thank you!

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  4. i was writing a poem the other day and discovered a metaphor for my drug use. my drugs were like a wall i built between me and reality. I made a tiny hole in the wall to see through and communicate lies through to coerce people and society to enable my living like this. when i put down the drugs and alcohol, it was like standing naked before the world. it was scary but more than this it was a victorious feeling. to simply face life on lifes terms, w/o drugs IS a victorious feeling. and also it's made even more amazing to kno that i am not acheiving this victory on my own. in fact, i didn't have much to do with it. all i did was give up, entirely w/o reservations. all i had was desperation and willingness, but i guess that's all i needed. out of desperation came willingness and thru willingness i was able to apply the suggestions i got from program people on how to change my life odaat. recovery IS possible, with willingness and a LOT of HELP! i am blessed to have these past 13 months sober. it is only a beginning. thanks for yr sharing tracey b/c u remind me of what a total divine blessing my sobriety is...AND u remind me how grateful i am, for everything good and bad in my life becuase i almost didn't live to see the good and bad that is my life today! blessings to u and yr fam and yr continued work in recovery, jen

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