Tuesday, March 12, 2013


Ian is dead. He was another in a long string of dead friends. The list goes on and on. He was homeless, essentially couch surfing in Cincinnati when I met him. He was around 5'9". He had short hair, a peach fuzz semi mustache. I have doubts he ever needed to shave. Ian would get fucked up and cry. Not cry like a little bitch like woe is me but cry a guttural cry like a wounded animal.
My apartment was full of a string of misfits but he held a special place in my heart. He was one of those street kids who never expected anything but never had anything either. He had no real hustle. His piercing blue eyes would stop any self respecting punk rock girl dead in their tracks.
At the time I was falling into the abyss of my own addiction. I still barely had a job and an apartment so I had a little something to share. I hated getting loaded with him. Why are you crying? Fuck! You are messing up my high.
I came home one day. I had a stand up mirror that someone had shattered. Ian had cut himself all over with the jagged pieces. He had trickles of blood all over the hurried slashes. Any depressed person knows the Mantra- down not across- if you REALLY want to kill yourself. I took a piece of the mirror" what the fuck is wrong with you ?! Do you want want blood?" I sliced open the top of my forearm. Blood gushed everywhere. Ian tried to help me. "Don't do that stupid shit again Ian. I fucking love you. Everyone loves you." I hugged him, took a drink and I cried. What is inside a person so beautiful to make them want to destroy themselves ?
The last time I saw Ian was out in SF. He liked my girlfriend and she wanted him to stay. I heard someone killed Ian in the Midwest somewhere. He was beautiful and I loved him. I still have the scar to prove it.

Thanks to K Dizzle for the pic


  1. hi tracey, your writing is great, and looking forward to your book..
    Seen you on BTH and it was so similar to my existance at the time, it was just a bit warmer where you were..Been clean now for 13 years, its still a struggle, but ive gone from being embarrased to what i was, to proud at where i am and what ive achieved..Ive started writing from some of my experiences, and a publisher wants to see the first three chapters from me...
    Im sure you are proud of where you are now, as you should be,and i hope you are an inspiration to alot of people...


    1. Thanks for reading. Good look on your book and recovery

  2. Replies
    1. I wish I had a pic of him in these leather pants he had that laced up the sides with engineer boots. He was an enigma