Drug addiction is not a part of my everyday life. I am not sleeping in a doorway today. I am not in a rat infested hotel paying to live in squalid conditions for the freedom to use. I am not degrading myself for money or drugs. I am not destroying my body, my mind, or my teeth today. But addiction is still there. It is under the surface. It is the oil that streaks the water. No one comes out unscathed.
Right now, today, I'm in the up part of the carousel ride. Things are going well and I know where I am headed. To create a meaningful life, recovering addicts crave consistency. The routine replaces the anxiety of not knowing what to do. If I wasn't doing drugs- what would I be doing?! A popular refrain.
The carousel also has down times. The death of my mother. A miscarriage. Not getting things the way I want them. Not getting things exactly as a planned. Not being able to control everything in my universe. Yes, it is that simple. Addiction made me expect recovery to be this perfect enterprise. That simply is not the case. Life happens. My coffee was cold this morning. The horror! The outrage of mortals.
My carousel is turning. Today is an up day. I'm holding on. Savoring the breeze as it turns. Only this time I am with my children. The carousel is turning again