Saturday, February 16, 2013

Any day without a needle in my neck

I used to say any day with out a needle in my neck is a good day. I think this still holds true although my life today is a little more nuanced.
Some of my scars I have on my legs are from using water from the top of a car on a rainy day to fix. Some of them are from being so dope sick I would stick that dirty shoe polish directly in my leg. My veins in my arms disappeared in the first few years so I was frequently seen dropping my pants trying to find a vein in my legs. I used to call them the road map to misery. It did indeed look like I had been dropped in a dumpster and chewed on by rats. I only had a rat jump on me once when I was sleeping outside. I ran into a constant stream of human vermin.
The drug world is full of people who feel as if they are some how maintaining humanity however there is some cognitive dissonance there. Where you think you are and where you are- dogging rain drops sleeping in a hustler alley- are different.

Any day without a needle in my neck is a good day. My trousers are where they need to be today. The sun is out. I'm wearing shorts. My scars are out for all to see. I'm not hiding anything.

Thank you for reading


  1. I bet you miss that rush though. The feeling right after you push and the heat rises in your face. You can actually taste the dope in the back of your throat. From the bottom to the top in a second.... But good for you.

    1. dude, wrong place to post this. wtf.

    2. I don't actually miss heroin. I would take my kids hugs over heroin any day

    3. When you've got three kids, every moment of every day is a rush...rush to school, rush to soccer practice, rush to get dinner ready...I recommend it.

  2. Why would you ever write that in a blog that's based on the miracle of recovery? I feel compassion for you, obviously you fit into the saying of "misery loves company"

    Ah, the thought of the rush of that and soft makes my heart pound fast. And usually quickly a relapse follows.

    Luckily, after reading the entire contents of this blog I can use one of Traceys lines.."I just feel it wouldn't enhance my life right now"...because, at least for now, i actually feel alive. Pain and all.