Wednesday, February 6, 2013


All my life I have had small visions of things to come. The night my mother went into the hospital, I was watching Battlesar Gallatica and I began to cry hysterically. When I was 17, I was riding on the school bus staring out the window and I had an idea that someday someone was going to make a movie about me. Out of nowhere, I had a dream about an old friend I hadn't seen since the early 90's a few days before he was killed by the police. I had a dream about Spanky. I have these dreams.

Every since I was a child, I had a vision about the lights that kept coming in waves in front of my eyes. They were waves almost as if I was in motion. When I got pregnant in June of 2006, it was one of the happiest days of my life. We had been talking about maybe having children but to get pregnant my first month of birth control! I thought it was a minor miracle like many of the other miracles I have seen in recovery. What kind of mother would i be? Would my child be an addict? Would they think I was a bad person because of all the things I have done? Would I be able to care for this tiny person? Everything in my life changed in that moment.

I went to see OB. Seeing the baby and the heart beat on the ultrasound was a revelation. A life- a life I created. It was as if the past had been erased and everything in my life was focused on that moment. I went home to visit my mother and for the first time, I felt a bond with her as an adult woman. I had grown out of the child phase. I was prepared my whole life for the wisdom I would give my beautiful baby.

The vision, the vision. Floating in water. The lights. Being wheeled on the gurney. The morning I had started bleeding nothing made sense. Why my child? Was it something I had done? Punish me for being a whore a junkie, but not my baby. This was before I had a cell phone so I couldn't call my boyfriend. I lay on the table alone crying cramping have to go to the bathroom with the anxiety of the life that had left me. Why God? Why me? Why my baby?

The worst part was the innocence I had up until that moment. I am a suspicious jaded person but not for ONE SECOND did I really believe anything bad would happen during my pregnancy. The nurses tried to comfort me that I would be able to have another baby. What about this one? no one is allowed to tell you anything until the all knowing doctor arrives. Thank you to the kind ultrasound technician that explained what no heartbeat means since I honestly didn't understand at that moment.

I went on to have three healthy, beautiful, spirited children but this was the worst moment of my life. I have been raped, tortured, held hostage but losing my baby as a clean addict- i wasn't prepared for that. This moment transformed me. It prepared me for the loss of both my parent, the marriage to my husband, the miracle of life.


  1. Do you know what happened to Jessica from the Dark end of the Street? Just watched the documentary, she had a tough time

    1. I see her from time to time. The last time was a few months ago. She looked much better than she did in the film. She actually doesn't go by the name Jessica so if you ask SF people that name, they don't know who you are talking about. She goes by a nick name.

  2. I've read this post several times now. I cry each time.

    This one hits home hard on two levels.
    "All my life I have had small visions of things to come... I have these dreams. Every since I was a child, I had a vision about the lights that kept coming in waves in front of my eyes." - YES. It's something that has always scared me.

    The miscarriage and the vision- this is what hits the hardest. And I appreciate you sharing SO much. Going through my "ordeal" as I call it, I had the same thoughts, hopes, fears...and same terrible vision/premonition. The doctor/nurses were not as kind to me. When they told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat, it was said so cold and mundane - business as usual for them. I let out a banshee wail that only a mother losing a child can make. Both the doctor and my now ex-fiancee told me to shut up, keep it down...voices carry, you know! I was alone. Didn't leave the bedroom or house for 2 months. Was told I was a failure as a woman because I couldn't carry a child to term. And I believed it. It's better now that I have two sweet little boys in my life and while they are not my own, I take it on as if they were. My little Duracell batteries that recharge me and light me up like nothing else can. :) I'm glad you have the same, your kids are wonderful, Tracey.

    1. It's very tough. I'm still not over it. Thank you sharing and reading my blog. This is one of the stories for my book.