Thursday, February 7, 2013

Mommy vs mama

Being a person in recovery, nothing is ever promised to you. Everything I have acquired in my life since the day I got clean required hard work. The best decision I made in terms of my personal self reliance was to tell my mother I didn't want her to send me money anymore a few months after I got into treatment. It wasn't as if I didn't need the money- I absolutely need it- but I would never be on my own until I cut the cord as a 28 year old. I needed to be my own person, whatever that meant.

My mother and I had a unique relationship. She was a perfect co-dependant and recovery advocate at the same time. Through out my childhood my mother and I were at odds. It always seemed to me that if she only would do this or that, maybe my father would quit drinking. When I got to be a teenager, I saw her in a totally different light. She was from that generation where the family is supposed to stick together. She wanted to work things out and always held out that glimmer of hope that someday my father would stop drinking. I remember being on the school bus on my was to school at around 16. He would be a fixture at the bar in the morning and later in the evening, many times coming home to take mid day naps to sleep it off. I would go off to school so fucking embarrassed by my life. My compulsive over eating provided comfort until I was ridiculed for coping the best way I knew how.

When I was twelve years old, they told me they were going to get divorced and I always saw that as the biggest promise that was ever broken to a child. The promise of hope. The promise of a life without daily conflict, without walking on egg shells. I could tell with in two steps in the door if he was drunk. One day my father broke the cardinal rule of our dysfunction- he drank in the house. I didn't see it, but I know she threw a beer can at him. That was my mom. She had tolerance but wasn't a fool. She supported me at times in my addiction but she held out hope that some day her child would get clean. We talked almost weekly for eleven years of my recovery. One of the greatest joys of her life was my recovery. She told me many times when she dies, she will die at peace knowing her children are healthy and happy.

My mother and I both had three children. I was the youngest- the baby- no matter how old, you are always the baby. The other day, I found out by accident that my youngest child calls someone else mama. It eats away at me that I HAVE to work to support three kids as does my husband. On the flip side, my children will never see me drunk, have a mother that is completely present in their lives. My children only call one person mommy. That is my greatest title- one I shared with my own mother.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Tracy. Thank you for writing these blogs...I have been so interested in your writings, I have spent the past half hour reading word for word your story. I am a 26 year year old female from Australia, and really loved the film black tar heroin. I think your ability to move on from this life taking drug is remarkable, and I commend oyu for making a life for yourself. You are such an amazing person, as I am sure you are just an amazing mother. Thank you for sharing your story, All the best, Nicole Howell (AUSTRALIA).

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  2. Thank you so much. I am happy my story has touched you in some way

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  3. I enjoy reading about you but I'm confused now. So I take it your husband is gone and has a new wife and your children are calling her mom too. I would be so mad and angry. Like you said they only have 1 mom and that is you. I left my children's father because of his drug addiction and I'm glad I did. They did not need to be raised around that. I admire your strength and I know you are a very good mom. :)

    Carrie Casey
    High Point, NC

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    1. My kids call the daycare provider mama. I am still happily married.

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  4. Thank you for writing this blog and sharing. I was so touched and disturbed by the black tar film that I keep thinking about it. I am so happy for you.

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    1. I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog

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  5. I stumbled by accident on the movie because of the name,i know i'm 44 years old and never heard about black tar heroin but then again i never did any kind of drugs so i was curious.What i saw in the movie was sad and my feelings were thorn on one side i thought and sorry for the word you idiots how can you throw your life away like that but on the other side i really felt sorry for you guys but to be honest i'm glad you got out.Hope you have a great life.

    Taz
    The Netherlands

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  6. Hi Tracey,I know that your children are very young but knowing what you know and considering everything you've been through, what is your attitude about drugs when it comes to your children? If one of them begins exhibiting signs of addiction, how will you handle it with them?

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    1. I have no idea. I plan on being honest w them about my experiences though

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