Violation

I use this blog as my outlet. I put down all of the things that have been kicking around in my head for the past 20 years or more.

I was waiting around for hours and hours. When you do speed, more than half of your time is spent waiting. Are you done yet? Are you coming? Can you meet me here? When is he coming? Where is he? Tearing things apart and waiting for nothing to happen.

I was waiting for my drugs when I met this person. Drugs bring you in contact with random people you would never associate with in your right mind. We were both waiting for the same connection. The Connection had their apartment upstairs. some connections were generous enough to let you fix in their bathroom if you were doing business in their house. We were both put out to find a quiet laundry room in the basement of the building.

It was warm in the laundry room. The perfect place to find a hidden vein. I quickly prepared my poison. I get these senses. Gut feelings or paranoia both work. I generally was very careful about who I used around. In the speed world, men have a tendency to expect sex even if the drugs were purchased with your own money. Since this was a transient location, I was caught off guard when he tried to rape me. Anyone could walk in. ANYONE. any moment. There was no one.

 I had this strong sense- miss, miss, miss. I purposely missed the drugs in my arm. I felt the burn as the welt appeared. FUCK. What have I got myself into this time. He looked like Charles Manson after he was full of drugs.  I am surprised I didn't notice this before but I was so focused on scoring. He had a knife. What am I going to do here? "Take off your pants and don't scream". No, I am not doing it. He slapped me. I slapped him back. I am not fucking taking off my pants so you either are going to have to cut them off or fuck you. I over played my hand. He held me down with the knife. He took care of his dirty business and made sure to get it on my face. He wanted to humiliate me. He did not. I was scared, terrified actually, but I will not be violated. Not today. I needed a new shirt. Fuck. This was a brand new shirt. I went back to my alleyway.

I saw this man at another dope house months. "Is this the guy?" My best friend held him.Yes. it was him. How could I miss that face?  "Beat the shit out of him, Tracey". I froze. I could not. I could not move! What was wrong with me? I STILL regret this as he predicted, 20 years later. My other friend stepped in.  He beat this man down. For me. In front of me. I will not be violated. Not today.

Comments

  1. F.March 7, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    I have looked at almost every movie related drugs on Youtube, but the documentary where you were in touched my heart. Not only that you were relatively easy to find, you are in life and has moved on with everyday life.

    I understand how it is. I have not yet found the strength to put down the nonsense that destroys my life into pieces. I hope that a day of good will and help I'll make a valiant effort.

    P.S! Fell headlong in the first second when you appeared. Love, F.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415March 7, 2013 at 2:55 PM

      Thank you for reading my blog. i also hope you find the strength.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more