Clean

What does clean mean? I went into rehab from the jail.I am a person whom is lucky enough to say my county paid for me to get clean. the rehabilitation center I entered was not known for having a good sucess rate. It was a program that was paid for by Criminal Justice. I was to be one of ten females in a facility with eighty men. The numbers fluctuated but the pressure to maintain self-esteem was on from day one. How can I get recovery in this place?
The day I went to the treatment facility I had a few months clean. I had attended a few 12 step meetings. There was this thing called recovery. I wanted this thing so badly despite having any understanding of the substance. I was put back into my own clothes, which barely fit, and transported into this place. recovery, the process of regaining ones self was already starting for me. It was as if I was starting at the starts and did not notice the Earth was moving when I turned down drugs in the jail.
At what they called the "main meeting", the meeting where the whole "house" needed to be, my life changed forever. The speaker Wilson was electrifying. He had been in Milestones nearly a year. he had a job, a girlfriend, money in the bank as evidenced by his jewelry.
"Look around the room. Of the people that are sitting here, two of you are going to make it."

My heart stopped. ME I have to be one of those people. i was not sure of the reality of my peers. I knew my reality. I am not going back to all my belongings in  shopping cart. I am not going back to those alleyways. I am not going back to that insanity. I am not going back. period.

I am not sure what happened to the other 79 people. Some stayed clean. other did not. I was told Wilson relapsed and died of heart failure in his addiction. The last time I saw him, all the light had escaped from his body. Only the addiction remained. As for me, I am not going back. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAWA7uf-2gI&list=PLuXsTQQ2Ec5oD3aG5VyLnG-mqq0Uj5dCQ&feature=mh_lolz

Comments

  1. SallyMarch 19, 2013 at 5:37 PM

    I am so glad you made the hard choices that you did that got you here today so I could know you! I love you more and more with each post you write and the insight you give into yourself and who you are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415March 19, 2013 at 5:39 PM

      Thanks. And thanks for reading. I appreciate the support

      Delete
  2. Ali OMarch 20, 2013 at 1:01 AM

    Excellent story. Do you think there is still a chance of a relapse for you ? Do you still keep your guard up ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415March 20, 2013 at 5:31 AM

      I had a friend who relapsed with seventeen years. I try to stay vigilant and address cravings and stressors rather than ignore them.

      Delete
  3. UnknownMarch 20, 2013 at 6:25 AM

    Hey Tracey. I recently watched the movie. It hits close to home as the town I grew up in is now being overhauled with heroin. We have lost so many young lives, a lot of them only being 17 or 18.I am so happy to see your living proof that people can change. The town I grew up in did not have that problem back then. Yes we smoked pot and you had an occasional cocaine user. Never heard about heroin until now. It really has gotten bad. We had another long lost high school friend pass away last week from a overdose.I honestly have been reading your blogs and updates to find answers. Why? Why do people do this to themselves? What can people do to help people with this addiction? I would like to post a link of your blog on my Facebook page to get the word out to my friends and family that are going through this and seeing your story may give them some hope.( With your permission of course). Keep your head up. You have a beautiful family and I am very proud that you have been clean as long as you have and made something of yourself. Even in the movie I saw a glimpse of motivation in you that I did not see in anyone else. Go Tracey!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415March 20, 2013 at 7:40 AM

      you are more than welcome to post my link. You can also find information here https://www.facebook.com/#!/DOPEProject.
      If you look up the DOPE project on facebook, I used to do work here. They provide drug education and naloxone so people can revive their friends and family members from an overdose. Naloxone is sooo inexpensive and really works.

      Delete

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