Saturday, September 21, 2013

Who am I?

I have been writing this blog for a year in January. I have spent a great deal of my time retelling stories from my addiction. Other days, I have provided my opinions on political issues use as access to syringes and the opiate overdose medication naloxone. I give some words of encouragement to lose who might still be struggling with their addiction. I talk about many, many things. I just don't like to talk about myself as a person.

Who am I? First of all, I am insecure to the point of being almost brittle. I have always felt as if there must be something wrong with me. This has not changed all that much over time. I care much, much less that I did when I was twenty. I still feel as if I am not worthy or not capable on many occasions. It is easy to say "oh well, everyone feels like this." My sense of self awareness is frankly quite painful.

I would describe myself as being very smart. I am smart enough to know that many things that go on in this world are fucked up. So I try to change them. Currently, I am doing a little project where I mail syringes to places where people cannot obtain them. I am smart enough to know these people are going to use drugs with or without my help. I am also smart enough to know that by putting in a little bit of time and energy, I can impact the world in a huge way. Whether it is being nice to animals, supporting our veterans, smiling at a homeless person, or telling a woman she has on an awesome outfit just to make her day, I know that my junkie ass can make the world better. I have to otherwise I can not deal with the pain.

I am a stone cold food addict. I like to mention this because it is just part of my overall insanity. I used to take my mothers high blood pressure medication to lose weight. The were part diuretic. I used to give myself enemas, take laxatives, starve myself. If I only looked different, not like myself, maybe then you would like me. I was always reinvented the outside to avoid dealing with the inside.

I am a very anxious person. How do I manage my anxiety? I supplement it with caffeine and dark chocolate? But wait...You were expecting some flowery answer about how I healed myself? Fuck no. I enjoy throwing fuel on the fire until I am overwhelmed to the top. That is how I roll. Then one day, I am forced to relax. "Why didn't I do this sooner?" Because silly, I just don't know how to let shit go. Turning my brain down is like pulling the hard drive. Crazy is just part of me.

I am a very loving and caring person. I tried so hard to shut my feelings off. The reality is that I almost feel to much sometimes. When I get in my email box and read stories from addicts, sometimes I cry. I feel those feelings everyday. The confusing and the whirlwind of sadness that comes with relationships. I chose to love today. I embrace the pain of uncertainty that comes with love. I do no know where our friendship is going but I know I will be better off for opening up my heart. I must live my life in the open today. 

Heroin meant the world to me. It provided me the freedom to leave my shell. It provided me the opportunity to shut off my constant critic. It gave me a respite from the bondage of self. And then that loyal dog turned on me. It took it all and I gave it more. The drugs taught me an important lesson that I have one life to live. I could have died a thousand times over. Now, I just want to live and enjoy my life. If I don't fir somewhere, I can make my own entertainment. Just like I took some cardboard and made a house, I have the raw materials to make a decent life. 

I am resilient and so are you. An addict can do anything. If I can pull a bag out of the air and find a pill lost on a street corner, surely I can find a way to carve out some joy. Clean or using, you have so much to give this world. I believe it. This is who I am...


6 comments:

  1. I've never had a problem with illicit substances, but have battled food my entire life and can completely relate to all the feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, being indescribably different. I try to tell myself that everyone feels like that, but it is hard to believe that when some people are so damn confident.

    I'm also the child of a (now deceased) lifelong opiate addict. Keep fighting the good fight, Tracey. I truly believe you are making a difference in the lives of people who a lot of society has given up on.

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  2. I Love this picture. The granite in the background says it all - yes?

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    1. this was my 40th birthday at lake tahoe. I was pregnant at the time and did not knowit yet

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  3. As I read this I could almost check the boxes off, like you were describing me...

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