Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Queen of my Heart

Have you ever loved some one so much they "made" you do crazy stupid things? I loved her. I loved this woman. She was the queen of my heart. Love can take many forms. There is a familia love. That is the love you have for some one close to you. They do not have to be your blood but they feel like family. There is a sexual love. This is a love where two people become entwined in a physical embrace that leads to spontaneous declarations. Then there is junkie love. Junkie love is the strongest force behind the pull of a strong blood register in a full syringe. 

 Junkie love is a mixture of sex, drugs, mystery, and insanity. Without even so much as an orgasm, you are intrinsically bonded to another human being. THEY understand me. This person knows me from the bottom, to me lying on the floor and up. The blood, the love, the pain, the  struggle just to maintain my sense of normal. 

She was the queen of my heart. She made me crazy in a way I never felt until that day. Those eyes saw right through my trembling facade. You see me. I am more than all the things I do to muddle through my habit. I am alive with your recognition. You love my misses and my tired old veins. The drop of blood on my pants doesn't turn you away from the narrative I construct with you my heroin(e).

I am completely fucked with out you. I cried naked in the hallway outside your door. You make me crazy. I make you miserable. I wish I could have held on to but I loved my dope a little more...

2 comments:

  1. 4 Sept 2013:
    I just watched the documentary this morning for the first time. Although I've never been homeless, nor have I been a heroin addict, I'm gay, an athlete, and developed a painkiller dependance (10 years now) after a running injury. Happened so innocently...I remember the first time taking that dose of medication and thinking...so THIS is what it feels like to have no inferiority complexes, no anxiety, no guilt, no shame, no worries about 'what am I going to do next', no emotional pain of being very lonely, single and without much ability to make friends, find love or separate from my parents; the only acceptance and love I've ever found in my life.

    I really felt for Jake. We would have been the same age. I look at him in that documentary and remember what I was doing at that time, and I am sure I felt the same insecurities and doubts in my life. During that time I had found a boyfriend (who looked a lot like Oreo from the documentary), but within a year, he left while I was at school and I never saw him again. Since then, the only 'good feeling' I had was from the painkillers I had been prescribed. I came out to my family when I was 15. There was never an awkward moment about my being gay with them, or even in this city of 120,000 people in Ontario, Canada. But despite that, I've always felt so incredibly alone.

    Tracey, there was something you mentioned about an addiction to food. I experienced this from a very early age (5) and had struggled with my weight from as early as I can remember. Having an addictive personality became something that turned me into an exercise addict as well as an exercise bulimic, because I would want to eat (to feel some kind of comfort/fulfillment) and then would work out for 4-5 hours to 'do something' and 'get this out of me NOW!' (the running injury - which is what got me started on painkillers - is a result of overuse, of overexercising, and my body, at 39, saying 'you can't do this to me anymore'. I didn't listen for a long time).

    I really grabbed on to the emotions of the people in this film. I have always gravitated towards those in the throes of addiction or those in recovery...I have wanted to spend time in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside and help out with needle exchange (InSite, which is one of the only government-run needle exchange facility in Canada is located there) and use my counselling degree someday. But when I see people active in their addiction...as I did last weekend when I went for a walk to my city's west end (similar to areas on that documentary with old hotels that people live at and they're stumbling outside drunk or high) I don't know if I'd be much help, even though on some level I know the motivations and the reasons why they're addicts. Life sucks - I'm lonely - nobody's ever going to notice me or ask me out and I'm going to wind up alone - why NOT get high? I'm at the age where, while I was successful in high school and even though it took me 10 years to finish my University studies, I did pretty well, but I didn't 'get the job' that I had hoped I would. I feel like a loser and a failure because I can't find that kind of job that would give me some kind of purpose so I totally get why people just give up. After trying and trying and trying, it's easy to say 'I don't care'.

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    1. you have so many things going on here. i hope you are taking care of yourself.

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