Monday, September 9, 2013

What are the Words

If you have never been strung out on drugs, it is nearly impossible to explain what it is like to novice user. When someone tells you they are dabbling opiates, you first reaction may be one of panic. Oh my God, please do not do it! We are not sure if we want to hug this person for being so innocent or slap them for being so foolish as to play with literal fire. That warm fuzzy feeling of a few vicodin quickly was played out for many of us. We simply needed MORE. More please- do you have any more? Can I get some more? Do you need some more? Opiates set off the more center of our brain.

Sometimes I watch my husband drink a beer. I see the difference between a person like me and a person without any addiction issues in those moments. He pours a beer. He enjoys the taste. He selected the beer based on taste not price or alcohol volume. He looks at it. He studies it. He enjoys the taste. The beer may even sit there for an extended period of time while he has a conversation. In fact, he may sip on that same god damned beer for a whole dinner. Drink it. Drink IT!!!! He actually he enjoys the whole things appropriately while I am left puzzled by this behavior.

To me, a beer is the gateway to a few more. Then some crack or heroin or whatever is going to get me THE most fucked up. In fact, why even bother with that god damned beer. Or dinner. Or being social with another human being. I could take all that money and buy a hit. Fuck it.

Being an addict is a combination of MORE and FUCK IT. If I get some more, i am definately going to say fuck it. And by the way, fuck it, I am going to get some more. As the consequences pile up over time, we are left with a pile full of pieces that need to be picked up and rearranged into a workable life. Help me Junky Jesus. Help me find a way out of the fuck its, passed needing more, into I actually care about some thing, and let me rest on I am ok. 


  1. The "fuck it, I'm gonna get more def. hits close to home. Love your writing!

  2. Some of my closest friends are in AA, I'm not much of a drinker, but I always ask if they're okay with me ordering a chick drink or glass of Merlot when we go out to eat, they always say it's fine, but I still wonder.

  3. My boyfriend died of a heroin overdose (I had no idea he was even using) and its been one of my biggest sources of pain not knowing how he felt or what he was going through. We never got a change to have those conversations because he sheltered me from everything. Reading things like this help me get a better picture of what addiction feels like from an addicts perspective. Thank you for your honesty.

    1. thank you for reading. I am so sorry for your loss.