Thursday, September 19, 2013

Picking at your bones

When the humanity has been sucked out of the using experience, you will know what I mean by saying people are willing to pick at your bones.

In the first tier of using hell, there are the straight up predators. These individuals are opportunist parasites looking for a chance to change their fortunes through brute force or deception. There is no easy way to pick them from a crowd. A "friend" may have copped for you 23 times but on the 24th, when you are REALLY sick, that is the moment they walk away never to return. Another creature simply provides you with sub standard product that may or may not make you sick in some way. A third type of predator will simply snatch and grab your money because they can take it. As a junkie, you are at the bottom of the food chain. You may catch up with them. The dope world is vast and very small at the same time. At that moment, you are simply another prey item with just a little less self esteem because you got burned in the game of odds.

In the race to the bottom, we find the type of person who turns a blind eye. They will pass you by while you are laying in the bed sick. They are the type of person who has a pocket full of money but is more than willing to share YOUR drugs. They will finish their own at home. Ring, ring, ring, text , ring. They won't answer your calls. They will let the dealer short you. They will get high with your girlfriend behind your back. You know the one.

Finally I have seen the scavengers pick at the bones. When I lived in the AIDS hotel, I heard stories of a man who was dying on his bed while people were clearing out his things. I have seen a person taken out in handcuffs. Ten minutes later, people were inside tossing their room. I have seen put a crack pipe to the lips of a man in a bed in a diaper- "he had money and he asked me to"- as he sank to less than 100 pounds. I have felt the pain of one hit too many and prayed "God please don't let me fall out. They will go through my shit while I am lying on the floor". Finally, I had a friend die of an asthma attack. I heard about it from someone that was there. She was gasping for air in the dope house for 45 minutes and no one wanted to call the ambulance.

Please don't let die a junkie. Please don't let this hit kill me. Please don't make my family come identify this body. Just let me get high as few moments more.


  1. This is a great post. So sad but true. I overdosed on heroin a week ago and am getting treatment for a year. I am so very happy, scared to to leave my addiction of 11 plus years. I know in reality, I should be dead.

  2. What are your thoughts on suboxone maintenance? I've been acquiring and on it for 3 years now. You know it's bupe+naloxone, right? Some people say it doesn't get you high or have pain relieving qualities. But I know it has both bc I take it. I am on 8mg a day and at the end of the month (my amount lasts me 4 weeks), if I have had to share mine with someone very dear to me is sick, I am withdrawing for the remainding 2 weeks till I can get more next month. I guess what I am asking is: Do you think using suboxone long term is detrimental to one's sobriety? I ask this bc when I do not have access to anymore, I am forced to buy pain pills bc I have no insurance and cannot afford to buy any either being a stay at home mom with a spouse making minimum wage....and in my state (TX) u cannot get medicaid insurance unless ur a child, pregnant, elderly or disabled. I used to go to the methadone clinic and was on methadone maintenance for a while but no longer could afford the 360 dollars a month so I had to jump off at 80 milligrams ---talk about the worst 3 weeks of your life! So here I am on suboxone, comfortable for 2 weeks and sick for the next 2, most months, unless my loved one who hits me up for my meds doesn't ask me to share. I'm living in a catch 22 situation and it is quite literally picking at my bones. I do have a legitimate reason to be on subs for opiate abuse bc I broke my neck in a car wreck in '03 & was prescribed oxys for 3mo. then was kicked out into the cold by my pain management MD,DO. I don't want to resume taking pain pills bc I can easily eat 30 of the 10mg vicodins daily and when I am forced to purchase them at $6 a pop, it financially shakes my family to its core. I guess I'm just seeking guidance at this point. I am a 29y/o Mom of 3 and don't know what to do about my current predicament....or who to talk to without getting into trouble bc I use the sub illegally meaning without a 'script. Any advise/insight/know-how/comments would be GREATLY appreciated if u would please answer me back.

  3. you have to do what you have to do for you and the family. Suboxone is very helpful for some ppl. Have you tried less than 8mg at a time? many ppl are comfortable at 2-4 mg and it could help them last longer

  4. Yes, I'm currently tapering off but at a pace to where I can do so comfortably. One day I hope to be free of it...and I'm seeing that I can do that -which is big for me bc I haven't wanted to get off of it at all. I appreciate ur reply and congratulate u in ur sobriety. Cravings are the worst part of the daily life as an ex user...but it is so much more of a way to live than the alternative. U overcame, that says it all :)
    I will too....and ur story has inspired me immensely.