my assessment of depression

            I never knew Robin Williams but I thought I would add a few words that are in shock or grief. I feel like I can provide some insight for you. As a person that has struggled with depression since childhood, unfortunately I am never surprised when a person takes their life. Yet, of course, I am profoundly sad. I feel a connection with that person. I remember walking about in my pajamas as an adolescent for week at a time, wanting to sleep my life away. No one could put a label on this feeling, until one day they did. Depression hangs over you like weight pulling you into the earth with no soft landing. Depression pushes out all other thoughts and leaves no room for competition with joy. Depression chains you to the couch and disarms you with it’s subtle dismissal of hope.

            When a depressed person first discovers drugs, it is a revelation. It provides a warm sense of relief that fill your entire body. Finally- I can be in the company of my fellows. Finally, I can talk without question my words. I can feel things because my pain is muted, until it slowly creeps back in. Drugs and alcohol provide a measure of relief. They do. And as quickly as the relief came, it leaves us with more problems. Picking up the shattered pieces with bloody fingers and a dull mind, we retreat back into our shell.

            A person who brings great joy is also capable of great sorrow. We addicts now empathy can be channeled to crystallize the beauty of the world. One day however, our feelings can overwhelm us. We do no leave because we do not love you, we leave because we do not know how to carry on. Give someone you love a hug today. Let them know that they are valuable to you. I did not know this man, but I have been him many times. It was only when I was dying that I truly realized I wanted to live. Please get the help that you need. Someone loves you.


  1. Robin Williams once taught an alcoholic party clown to mime and forever changed his life.

  2. thank you for putting into words my sentiments xactly. i especially appreciate and identify with yr last thought...that i had to really almost die to kno i wanted to live. i suffered from profound depression since age 10. i simply could not make a commitment to life. i mean, my depression clouded my thinking so much that i truly believed death was a more rational option than the constant agony i felt facing life on life's terms. so it was not a great leap to turn to shooting heroin at age 21. it was the only tool i had to stop myself from actually commiting suicide. looking back on it now, i see there was something in me that didn't want to die, that wanted to live...but i just couldn't see HOW. my last relapse 15 months ago brought me to my knees face to face with an early death. i decided and have commited everyday since to my decision to let go of my death wish and embrace LIFE, even tho i was and am often scared and unsure about what life IS. whatever life is or turns out 2b for me, i have come face to face with the alternative which is death from active addiction, and just for today i find that alternative unacceptable...i don't want to die b4 i have even been born. thanks for yr thoughts, and really appreciate yr blog...thanks girl!

  3. Mental health issues are isolating, and no matter the love and success you have in your life, depression and illnesses like it, are truly like the "Bell Jar" that Sylvia Plath talks about in her novel. All these beautiful things happen around you; these wonderful moments that you want to be a part of, yet you are pinned under sadness.

    I've had Bipolar for as long as I can remember, and only a small handful of people in my life know. It's a dark secret for many people, and whenever I do try to open up, I end up feeling like a turtle letting someone peek under its shell. Vulnerability sets in and I oftentimes take my problems to a dark corner. It's true that drugs, alcohol and other forms of self harm are often seen as the only way to numb the pain....but in the end it just amplifies everything the wrong way. What we need more of these days, is compassion and open is the only way we can burn away the stigma.

    It was once said that it's not that you want to end your life, its just that you want to end the kind of life you are living. You want a life free from the mental and physical pains of the illness...a life full of colour, and not so black and white.

    If you are struggling out there, somewhere, reach out and hold on. Whether you realize it or not in this present moment, you are stronger than you realize and you truly do want to see tomorrows sun rise.

    1. That was wonderfully written and so true. Please feel free to send me an anonymous submission. I would love to publish it.

  4. Thank you, Tracey. You are an inspiration and even though we've never met, I am proud of everything you have accomplished. The time that you spend here and elsewhere, helping others find their way, is such a beautiful and selfless act. I would definitely love to contribute whatever I can to help.


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