Off the yard

I used to say I need to make a cologne called "off the yard". I could spray it on a normal man to make him attractive to me. I am not hating on men who have been to prison. If anything, i loved them a little too much. Unfortunately, my vagina is not a halfway house for wayward men. 

One of the things we learn in recovery is that our judgement is off. We need to take time. Slow down! Go beyond your first thoughts. Take time to think about consequences. I should have realized anyone who wants to be with an active addict is also sick. Whether it is going to a party where people might be getting loaded or wearing a condom, a split decision can change your whole life. 

For me, the visual set off chaos. The flash of money. Neck tattoos. The look that told me this person REALLY needed me. I liked to call them "project men". Men like to fix up cars or stereo systems. Women like to fix up men. We like to put our stamp all over that dead letter and then ship it back "return to sender". I always tell my straight women friends - men are like buses, another one will be along in fifteen minutes. The probably is figuring out where you want to go on which one to get on. Maybe a little simple but the only person I can change is myself. The same can be said of same sex relationships where rates of addiction can be even higher in those communities. 

I want to be happy! That starts with making better choices. Take some time today and think. Make a plan. Have a blueprint for your success. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 5, 2013 at 4:21 PM

    Women like to fix up men. We like to put our stamp all over that dead letter and then ship it back "return to sender".

    OMG this is so funny and so true. Nothing so attractive as a man who looks needy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415July 5, 2013 at 6:03 PM

      I should mention I have a healthy relationship now. This is based on the past tense . My husband is awesome.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more