What doesn't kill me

What is it like being a homeless drug addict? I would wake up at 4:30 or 5:00am if i even went to sleep. I would wake up in some alleyway covered in a blanket. The moist San francisco breeze would blow in. Im shivering under the blanket, luckily I am alone. I have on two pairs of pants so no one can get in them and rape me while I nod off. I have on three shirts. One is for a bra, a tight sports top. One is a long sleeve layer with a finger hole cut our of the sleeve so I can use it as gloves. Finally I have on a hoodie or tshirt to seal in the warmth.

Today, I have a small wake up. This requires me pulling both pair of pants down to my knees while I am still warm enough that the veins are up. I can sit behind teis shopping cart and dig for at least twenty minutes before anyone will really notice. I am camped with two other people. One has been up on speed for four days and finally crashed. He won't wake up even when the street cleaning truck comes six inches from his head. The other is still sipping on a forty ounce left from when the corner store closed at two am. If he can hold on a little longer, the store will open again at 6 before he gets the shakes. I think he smoked some crack or something because I see his eyes are full of black pupils. He normally avoids my morning ritual. He says he hates needles.

I have two outfits (aka syringes) and some sterile water. There is so much cut in the black tar I can smell the coffee. I have a burn cooker from the bottom of a can. I will have to take some cotton from my sock. This five dollar piece of dope is going to do nothing but take the sick off of me. The matches start to burn my fingers but I dare not move. I need this hit. The dope is hot. I am cold. I feel it burning. I pull up the poison. I find a vein, a roller in my leg. I pray to the God of junkies. Let this be the hit that relieves my suffering but does not kill me. A five dollar piece never should kill someone but I might die from the infection that goes with it. I feel the hot liquid overflow into my muscle. Damn. I missed part of it. I rub it in a circle. I feel nothing but a sore spot and some regret. I should have tried somewhere else. Im cold now. I pull my pants up. The guy walking through the alley must have gotten quite a show.

I should get up now. I have no food, no money. Its almost time though. The dealers will be on Eddy soon. Maybe I can make some sales. I have one clean needle left. I have the whole day in front of me and a habit. Time to get to work.

Comments

  1. opiatedramblingsJune 10, 2013 at 7:19 PM

    "Try Agaaain" keeps ringing thru my head. Thank you for a much needed reminder that this gift you have is possible

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415June 10, 2013 at 7:24 PM

      It is possible.

      Delete
    2. opiatedramblingsJune 10, 2013 at 8:49 PM

      Try again tomorrow I suppose

      Delete
    3. Voodoo_catJune 10, 2013 at 11:29 PM

      Me too. I had a relapse recently after eight months sober. I'm now three days sober again. And yes, thank you Tracey for this reminder, I needed it this morning too.

      Delete
    4. traceyh415June 11, 2013 at 8:19 AM

      you just have to keep trying and stay stopped.

      Delete
  2. julie s.June 11, 2013 at 11:37 PM

    Thank you for putting your thoughts and stories for ppl like myself to read. I read your blog daily. I also am an addict. I was wondering if you could share how your addiction affected your health, like your teeth, abcesses, ect. My husband got hep C from IV use but got treatment for it and its undetectable in his blood now thank God.Did you get hep C or loose your teeth. Also on youtube there is a wonderful documentary made by the Vancouver Police called " Through a Blue Lens," I highly recommend it, it is also a great documentary that follows the lives of drug addicts, some got clean, one was murdered, I wish they would show it to kids in school, it shows what drugs really do to ppl and doesn't glamorize it at all. In British Columbia drugs are considered a social problem not a criminal problem like here in the US. The US could def learn from them. The cops are compassionate towards the drug addicts. You should check it out.-Julie S.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415June 12, 2013 at 7:25 AM

      I had hep c but cleared the virus on my own within the first two years of recovery. I was part of the lucky 10-15%. I have tested as undetectable for 12 years. I had to have all my teeth redone. There is a post from May about it. I've had 32 abcesses. There are some pics of the scars in May or April. Thanks for reading. You may also like the post "track marks and a sunny day"

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more