Swimming in Quicksand

Recovery provides me with freedom. Many times, that freedom is overwhelming to me. When you are drugs, the majority of your decisions are based on impulse. In a split second, I'm loaded or in a relationship or breaking your shit or crying in my hands. When I am using, I only have to be accountable to the connection. They only care about my money, not my guilt or shame. 

How am I supposed to live in this world? How am I supposed to manage my emotions? Within a few days of getting off opiates, it becomes apparent that choices are not my strong suit. In the program they told me to "support" people. Of course I did not tell when people had crack in the program. I'm not a snitch. Of course I didn't tell when people were having sex in the program. Of course I threatening to beat my roommate's ass for not doing my chore. I never made good choices so I kept not making them. 

Then I was released into society. I needed money. Should I sell drugs? I hung out with dealers. They gave me money. Should I go work in a brothel? Should I do this, that, the fucking other thing- fuck this shit. Too many choices. 

The best choice- I did not use drugs. The needle doesn't slip and fall in your arm. You have to pick it up. I went to meetings. I got a sponsor. I went to a women's support group. Slowly, I got better. I got some real recovery. 

If you think I am cured, you are so mistaken dear readers. I make mistakes but I learn from them. I have this impulse issue: fuck it, fuck you, fuck this. Sound familiar? Slow down. Take time. Think. Most of all, do not use. We can all get better together. 

I am including my vacation picture. As you can see, I still wear masks. I hope you see through them today. 

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