The highlight reel

I am sitting in a doorway. My feet are pounding. My shoes are two sizes too small. I scored them on the sidewalk. My socks are wet from days of rain. The sweat from walking the miles of the city has made the flesh start to peel off my feet. My veins are throbbing. I have no options left. I have been sticking needles in the soles of my feet. My arms and legs are covered in tiny blood spots. I have poked myself over and over looking for that sweet spot. There is no mercy for junkies and fools.

They put me out. They promised me I could stay the night. I paid to get in. I shared all my drugs but at three am they kicked me to the curb. I am tired, too tired to argue my fate. I am sitting in this doorway. I am wet again. The tears are rolling down my face. There is no place for me to go and no place where I am wanted. It slowly starts to rain. I shiver, I shake. I have no jacket or blanket. I am staring at my reflection in the pool of dirty water. What the fuck happened to my life? The shakes . My flesh crawls. Sick, no money. The liquor store is closed. I hold my legs for warmth. Fuck my life.

Addicts don't want to play the whole tape. We want to run the highlight reel- a snap shot of the good times. Think the whole thing through. In the picture below illustrates damage I did to myself from shooting up in the arch of my foot.

Comments

  1. Lance SnyderApril 24, 2013 at 6:28 PM

    Were you hitting veins in the bottoms of your feet or just muscling it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415April 24, 2013 at 6:55 PM

      I was hitting in the veins in the bottom of my feet. Then I would have to put my leg over my head because my circulation was so bad. Honestly, I am lucky I have feet. I was having trouble walking. This was in the last few months of my using. The pic is from today.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousAugust 31, 2013 at 8:25 AM

    I have a little more than two years clean now. I am a 25 year old female who started my addiction in my home state of IL and brought it with me to Portland, Or. I also turned into a fairly successful dealer, until I sold to a stripper friend who shared with a man who OD'd and died. The police tracked my calls, texts, etc for a week before coming to both sides of my car with guns pointed. I have really enjoyed reading your blog! I used to shoot in my feet too- so painful. My veins were never worth shit, even before I ruined them. I was dealing with bad swelling and still have pain in my hands and feet, to this day. Sucks. My longtime boyfriend (8years- we got addicted together) got clean together and got married in 2011. Life is hard, but good. Keep writing! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. traceyh415August 31, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    Thank you for reading. I am hoping to come to Portland with my book in October

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousSeptember 2, 2013 at 2:56 AM

    Ill bookmark this blog- post the dates when you can! :) sorry I'm anonymous, my phone is making posting sort of difficult for some reason. -erika

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. traceyh415September 2, 2013 at 7:38 AM

      i am coming around October 21. i will announce it on my blog

      Delete
  5. AnonymousSeptember 2, 2013 at 4:38 PM

    15 years plus. it can be done. i used aa. it works. the kid is the reason. another friend just died. i am alive. many folks have never known me except clean. wife. happy. pray your ass off and beg for mercy...you WILL be heard. suffer...so what suffer suffer suffer and then...one day you will wake up in a dream of bliss rather than piss. you are going to suffer anyway question is...will the kid see you dead, unable to wake you up. or will you let the universe save your ass. call aa right now. intergroup 800 555 1212 in your area...talk to a sober addict this fucking moment!

    ReplyDelete

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