Drug Porn

For some reason I am super emotional this morning. For the most part, my emotions are pretty muted. I am not the type of person to cry at weddings or funerals. It is hard to solicit a laugh from me. I spent a good portion of my life numbing my feelings. My children can easily break through whatever protective veneer I have placed over myself. Instinctually though, I have survived in this life by stuffing my feelings or purely ignoring them.

Out of the blue, a thing or a person can smash through whatever denial I have of my human condition. I work in an environment where jaded is a required job skill. Counselor who are not jaded end up killing themselves or relapsing. This situation is counseling though. It is my real life. I see a reflection. I see a mirror into myself. Suddenly, I am forced to deal with my own pain and it is glorious. It is the feeling you get from picking at a scab. Some people would never understand but but I do not want to smooth my hurt over with a band aid. I want to dig it out and look at it.

I am so relieved there was no Internet or cell phones when I was using. However, in a sense the movie Black Tar Heroin is nothing but drug porn. It draws people in looking for a brief encounter. You tube had made individual frames available. In many ways, the movie should have helped my recovery but it also could have completely sabotaged it. You know what? I am a mother fucking addict. Sometimes, even the worst seems like a plausible reason.

Here I am though. I am putting more blood on the pages. Cutting my heart out for you to examine. I am clean but I am not cured. I hurt for you. I can cry for you. I have these feelings.

Below is some education porn

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more