Guest post from B from USA

Before I post, I am inserting a caveat. I  am completely abstinent meaning I do not drink, smoke pot, use drugs , etc.  However, in the real world, not everyone else is completely abstinent. I like to get divergent opinions from others. I also have been prescribed medication for pain after surgery. I took it as prescribed by the doctor.  I also have anxiety and have been prescribed ativan as needed for panic attacks. I have only taken three of them in a full year. However, if I need them, I WILL take them.  My point is- everyone is different. Recovery is different for everyone.

Even now my insides kind of die thinking about it... truly one of the most powerful films of my lifetime and many others.
What can I say? Was I a Suboxone success story? Have I been a "success story"? To those who follow a certain strict abstinence-based path... perhaps not... I of course disagree, and thank God for the lovely people of San Francisco and other progressive cities working to further the harm reduction movement. I actually weaned off three years ago. I do enjoy some alcohol from time to time. Mostly it really is the "glass or two of wine", but I have been blackout drunk a couple of times. Hey, I'm bipolar. I simply don't like pot. No opiates, benzos, coke, etc. for almost three years. I weaned off suboxone maintenance in January 2010. There were a couple of very short term binges but.... I just didn't have it in me. I am a nursing student, almost done. Nursing and medicine is my absolute favorite thing in the world. It has been in my life before and after drugs (and no I didn't do it do get drugs!) The nursing textbooks will tell you that most opiate addicts will "mature out" of their addiction in their mid to late thirties.
Well, that was me.
It was either my age or Black Tar Heroin.
I have absolutely no idea how I found the documentary. And really? Why should I? Do you remember much of life under the influence of an oxycodone and Soma cocktail? I only pray that you weren't as foolish as me. If you are reading this you have most likely seen the film. I was living in Santa Fe, chugging along in my prerequisites for school, working at a grocery store, actually a perfect life for an addict. Northern New Mexico has had the highest rate of heroin overdoses in the country for decades- or did before everyone started carrying naloxone in their car- and the local culture was very amenable to addiction.  While we didn't coddle each other, we didn't ask questions of each other either. 
The life of a junkie. I was blessed. I would give anything to have the beautiful 2 bedroom duplex with the little yard in Santa Fe again. I live with my Mom and stepfather in DC now. But I will. I just gotta finish school. Anyway, I digress. My point is, it wasn't exactly the San Francisco SROs or streets... it was both where I was headed and where I was. I felt intense love for all five of the film's "protagonists." Also like many, I figured most were no longer alive. I know that Tracey has spoken of feeling disappointed that the film never mentioned her eventual recovery in any way...but when I googled her that first time seeing the film back in 2008, for some reason I wasn't all that surprised to see that she was alive and doing very very well for herself. Despite everything I saw a sturdy individual....and DEFINITELY a smart one! Jessica truly brought some of the most horrifying moments of the film for many of this I think. I watched my uncle die of AIDS before the new medications of 1996.  I cannot imagine the horror of coming off a nod in jail, detox, oh you're positive... As an aspiring RN I know the virus can be extremely unpredictable. The most pivotal movement of the film?
Jessica lying on Turk Street. In broad daylight. Was it Turk Street? I don't know San Francisco all that well. Of all the homeless people you pass every day, you don't always know that their grandfather raped them as children. That their mother allowed it. That that could be your next stop on the heroin- or opiate- express.
I made an appointment with a Suboxone doctor the next day.


Comments

  1. UnknownApril 26, 2013 at 7:03 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownApril 26, 2013 at 7:06 PM

    Question!
    Is this caveat written by Tracey or by guest blogger B?
    I had to delete my comment after it occurred to me that I may be misinterpreting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownApril 26, 2013 at 7:14 PM

      Just answered my own question with a thorough re-read. Thanks, Tracey, for being open-minded enough about the individuality of recovery to include this guest posting in your blog!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Tar Heroin 10 questions answered

Image
I want to get this in one place. Here you go When was the film made? The film was made from Dec 1995 to Dec 1997. Originally the film was supposed to be for one year but I believe when HBO picked up the film they wanted two years. How were you picked for the film? Steven met a bunch of different people at the youth needle exchange. He wanted subjects that were slightly younger than me. He filmed a few other people  that never made it into the final film Were you paid for the film? No. I was not paid for the film. he bought me a hotel to stay in for a week and bought me lunch a few times. I think they left some money for me when I was in jail too. Documentary film makers, in general, don't pay their subjects. Was I friends with the other people from the film ? Sort of. I never knew Alice. I met Oreo when he was 15 or 16. He was VERY young when the film was made. His mom used to work the desk in one of the hotels I lived in. Jake and I used to hang out. At one point h...
Read more

Ben (revised)

Image
Ben was heroin addled fantasy from a time when I would rather be with someone that barely loved me than be alone. I had just been released from jail after six long months. I had been using in the jail up until the last 45 days. This is did not give me much time to construct any type of recovery. I had spent most my time of planning for things that would never happen. My first week in jail was spent recovering from surgery. When I was arrested, I had four large abcesses. An abcess is a place where bacteria gets under the skin and the flesh starts to rot. I had to have surgery on my arm. When I took of the bandage, I cried. Not because I was in the hospital, not because I was in jail. I cried because they had sliced open my tattoo! The horror of it all. I used to take a sterile needle and cut them open myself. Needless to say, my nickname was the abcess queen. When I was back on the streets, I felt hopeless. I gave up my homeless encampment living for a hotel with some financial ...
Read more

Jamie

   Being able to fall apart is a luxury many people don’t have. They carry their burdens until it breaks them.  Miss Jamie was one of the most aesthetically pleasing  women I had ever seen in my life. She simply glowed. When she entered a room, everyone had to stop to pay attention. She took that space over. Her smile was radiant. Her energy was infectious. She was a fireball of a human. Her petite frame was always draped with carefully selected skirts, dresses, and form fitting sweaters. She paired this with her signature plum lipstick and acrylics.  She always came late in the day, usually when I had the lowest energy. Yet, I never refused her entrance. I was happy to see her. Happy to listen to her while she held court in my desk area.      On this day, Jamie was wheeled into the clinic by a person I had never seen before. Instead of scrubs, he looked as if he had woken up on the streets. He looked left like a caretaker, more like a pe...
Read more