Sunday, November 3, 2013

"Haunted while the minutes drag"

I have some time to kill in my hotel room in Portland. I have had a few days to think about things besides the mental health of those around me and the immediate needs of my children. I have to say that while I am enjoying my vacation, I also enjoy the chaotic life I lead at home. I feel as if so many people bounce from thing to thing. They never get an opportunity to find the things that give their lives a purpose. While junkies maybe be an incredible pain in the ass at times, helping them achieve a voice has created a new sense of energy. 

I can only be myself. In being myself, I have many complex layers. I can be the PTA person and the syringe distribution advocate at the same time. I can discuss with my son that a crescent can be a shape AND a type of moon at the same time. We are all many people that inhabit the same skin. Unlike others, I don't feel the necessity to suppress the areas of my interests that don't seem to relate in some way. 

I think more than anything, my mind get bored if I don't have things in the planning stage. I have mental lists of things I hope the achieve. I wasted years of my life: waiting to cop, waiting for you to fix me, waiting to fix, trying to fix him, trying to love away the pain while feeling unlovable, and sitting in a stupor on a stoop feeling stupid. I am living my life in technicolor. It is no longer in black and white like the substances I injected into my body. I have the freedom to change myself and the world. I am taking a chance on life.