Holidays are just different when you are a drug addict. Every day is so unpredictable, let alone a day when dealers decide they need to spend time with their families First, there is the whole "how many people am I going to have to hide my using from?" I think in many families, there is that one family member who could potentially "out" you as an addict. Do you bring drugs with you? How long will you be staying? Is traveling involved in this deal. So many elements to ponder.
Secondly, there is the opportunity for a parent or sibling to have WAY too much to drink and decide to make your using a subject of meal time conversation. "well this must be better than the meals you had in jail" or "before you wrecked your car" or "what happened to that last girl you were seeing" and finally "if you ever had any money". An addict already has low self esteem. Therefore, these digs provide more ammunition for me to dig in my arm. The Holiday Season is always a time to reflect on the fact that I was the scumbag who couldn't get it together and broke my mother's heart year after year.
Then, there is the issue of the food. Will I be too high to eat? Am I too sick to eat? Fuck I quit eating meat when I decided to stop using drugs. UGH. Eating in front of other people kind of sucks. I like to inhale my food in two minutes. Unless, I am alone, then I like to stuff my face with unhealthy stuff but that is another post.
The weather sucks around this time of year. Nothing to kill a mood like rain and shame. Let's do a new holiday tradition. Let us embark on being kind to yourself. I, personally, am doing my part to spread information about harm reduction. When I get out of myself and do service for others, I get a brief reprieve from that feeling of dread that comes with remorse. I am going to do my best to save someone from infection, overdose, or despair. I hope you stay alive this winter by finding the strength to care more and use less.