Friday, November 15, 2013

A Cast of Chemical Characters

There are different kinds of people in this world. Just as there is diversity in the world around us, so it logically follows there would be diversity in the addict habitat. Here are a few:

Captain save a bro:
This type of user refuses to admit he is addicted, yet constantly wants to sample some of your bag. He will arrive on the scene with money swearing up and down that he is not going to use. He has a job, a place to live and will occasionally let you stay there. Yet, the captain can only use at your place therefore you are happy to see him as he always has money.

Chronic illness Jill:
Jill does not have cancer, lupus, or any other diagnosable condition. No, Jill is ALWAYS sick yet will not have sex with you or anyone for drugs. Her general good looks enticing yet she only wants to cuddle after she has ingested copious amounts of YOUR drugs. If she ever has her own drugs, she certainly is not sharing with you. Between her over priced connect and constant whining, you would put her out if she was not so damn cute.

Scandalous Steve: You can not trust this motherfucker with a god damn thing yet he always has access to THE BEST drugs. Plus, he save you that one time from that overdose. Steve is a ride or die kind of junkie when he is holding but those fingers get sticky as he gets sicker.

Scripted Shelia- She is that older chic with the pain pills. She will give you a ride if you kick her down when her monthly runs out. And it always does.

Stepper Sam- Sam went to twelve step meetings once a few relapses back and likes to talk about recovery while you are high. He can quote all the literature and like to say things like "easy does it" while you are fixing your drugs.

Always Overdose Oscar- Get your narcan ready- Oscar is coming over. He likes to do WAAAY too much. When he wakes up under a table, he denies that he ever fell out. You have strongly considered taking the locks of the bathroom just in case.

Prison Paul- Prison Paul likes to get high and tell stories about the joint. He is an expert in both dropping a bottle for your PO and creating delicious entrees from ramen and cheetos. He never carries his own syringes for legal reasons.

Finally, there is your get high and hope to die dope fiend. Everyone enjoys talking shit about this person yet wants some of their drugs. Some work, some do not yet using is their full time job. They can explain how to extract the opiate as well as extracting the last dollar out of your pocket. They think in grams, stamps, books, bindles, and bundles. They are part doctor, nurse, chemist, criminal, counselor, and attorney.

I am just playing around here but if you find yourself....


  1. Haha, I'm a total Stepper Sam. Hell yeah I'm going to keep coming back... Keep coming back to for that dime bag.

  2. Definitely the "get high and hope to die" dope fiend.

  3. chronic illness jill lol this post made me giggle, thanks :)

    1. Yup, unfortunately, chronic illness Jill, i fit that bill...