I have fifteen years in recovery. Fifteen years of declining the invitation to say fuck it all. I have to find daily ways to cope with disappointment. I have to deal with resentments. I deal with track marks that have turned into sink holes. I have abscess scars that look like the landscape of the moon. I have cellulite because I took up eating as a recreational activity. I have some fabulous tattoos, a wedding ring, some grey hairs, and some dark circles under my eyes.
Am I happy with my life? Absolutely! Simple things make me happy in my daily life. I am not focused on the next hit. I am not worried about getting ripped off. I am not hiding from the police. I haven't ripped anyone off. I haven't compromised my life for a few hours of relief in the bottom of a spoon.
How do I explain my happiness? I wake up in the morning, I wake up. I am not kicked awake by the police. I am not pulled awake by illness. I wake up next to someone who loves me. I get to eat food. I can pee in a bathroom that has toilet paper. I hear happy kids screaming "mommmmeeee!" They need me. I need them too.
My life is pretty fucking boring. I get cereal and coffee. Well first I have to get my son. He likes to cuddle on my lap. He gives me hugs and snuggles while I trick him into eating healthy cereal. If I eating it, he wants some of it. Some mornings, one kid is snuggled next to me while two sit on my lap.
I go off to my job. People respect me there. I get to help people fulfill their dreams. I help people get decent jobs. I get paid well to do a job that I makes me feel like a rock star.
I come home to animals jumping all over me. It is fairly quiet before the kids come home. I sit down on my couch. I like to leave the front door open so the sun can bounce off the ocean and warm up the front of the house. I usually cook some food. I use all kinds of different vegetables.
I do not know where I am going with this post. I may not know where I am going with my day. There is one thing I am sure about- it will not be driven by the need to inject chemicals into my body to make me feel human. And I am okay with this fact. I may be self critical but I am not crazy. My life is awesome.