Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Now what?

I am in a similar place as I was when I came off drugs 15 years ago- a questioning place. I finished my book on Sunday. Honestly, I thought I would feel happy or relieved but it is more of a sad feeling. I had this whole relationship with my words. I was constructing them in a way to illicit a response from the reader. I felt a certain amount of importance in those moments. In some ways, it was almost as if I was visiting with old friends. I cried at points in the writing process. I laughed at my own mistakes. Most of all, I felt something and that was exactly what I needed when I write about my struggles.

 It is a good book. I am confident of this fact. I have let some people read it, although no one had read the final version because I completely rewrote the last 15 pages. I want people to hear my story. The goal of the book is to revisit the horrors of my addiction knowing there is a happy ending. I did my best to describe on San Francisco in the 1990's in vivid detail. Most of all, I attempted to describe my thoughts and feelings at the time. I know many people read my work are looking for some insight into the addict experience.

Now what? The crushing question of how to get my book out there. Honestly, I am not sure how rejection my fragile self esteem will allow in the process. Mostly, I am strong. However, there will always be this piece of me that feels less than others. Just like the fat kid that got picked last for teams at Hopewell Elementary. Or the only woman who lived outside with a shopping cart at my treatment facility. Am I somehow flawed beyond repair?

My determination will not be silenced by doubts. One way or another, I am getting this book in your hands.


16 comments:

  1. Couldn't have been easy, revisiting dark places like that. It must be like sending a battered wife back to the house she shared with an abusive husband.

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  2. us readers all believe in you thats why were here. this book needs to be read by myself & im sure many others. wish you strength &confidence to carry on with your journey. Faithful reader, England UK

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  3. Fuck yeah! thank you for your courage tracey - and yes we believe in you. CANNOT WAIT.

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  4. Tracey your openness gives us hope.

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  5. Tracey, your blog posts instill a sense of reality into me that I thought I possessed. Everything you write fascinates me; I've never been into the drug scene, personally. I've watched many friends and a few relatives lose all rational thought and morality due to their addiction, and I could never quite understand their thought processes/true emotional state. When I read your blog posts, I feel the personal hell that you and many addicts have faced and are still facing. Your writing helps me to better communicate with those facing addiction, and I feel like I can sincerely empathize with addicts whom I'm close with.

    That being said, as soon as your book's published, I'll be purchasing it. Thank you for your dedication and selfless help to those who need it most.

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  6. Tracey, your blog posts instill a sense of reality into me that I thought I possessed. Everything you write fascinates me; I've never been into the drug scene, personally. I've watched many friends and a few relatives lose all rational thought and morality due to their addiction, and I could never quite understand their thought processes/true emotional state. When I read your blog posts, I feel the personal hell that you and many addicts have faced and are still facing. Your writing helps me to better communicate with those facing addiction, and I feel like I can sincerely empathize with addicts whom I'm close with.

    That being said, as soon as your book's published, I'll be purchasing it. Thank you for your dedication and selfless help to those who need it most.

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    1. Thank you. If you email me at traceyh415@gmail.com I can get you on a list to be notified when it comes out

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  7. I am really looking forward to reading it.

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    1. I am going to try and sell it for a few months then self publish. I have really have not patience for spending years trying to get it out.

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    2. You can buy the PDF file from me or link now traceyh415@gmail.com. The ebook won't be out until later this month

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  8. Thank god for Harm Reduction. I live in Saint John, New Brunswick Canada. We are a VERY small city, of less than 80k residents, but like many places, our city, has been overcome, by the plague of prescription drug addiction, with Dilaudid and Oxy being the most abused. We have a "prostitute alley" that was once completely littered with discarded needles. Thanks to the initiative on AIDS Saint John's part, we've had a successful needle exchange program in place since 1999. Needles, sharps containers, filters, and alcohol swabs are freely distributed out of the AIDS Saint John office, located in "prostitute alley". I fail to understand the mentality of any municipality, that would not be on board with a harm reduction program.

    Tracey, we saw you exchanging your needles in the movie, but during hard times, did you ever partake in the practice of sharing needles?

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    1. I EXCHANGED NEEDLES, SOLD NEEDLES AND SHARED NEEDLES

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